i did it!

Well we went over to our good friends house and meet their little girl. We took dinner and hung out while the baby slept in the beginning. After dinner she woke for her 'dinner' and was fed. Then we all went downstairs to hang out. I thought it went really well. My friend did not pressure or even ask if I wanted to hold her. That gave me some time to observe from afar. Eventually I did say something about holding her and did so for at least an hour. I was somewhat reserved and did not play much with the cute little toes and fingers and looked at her occasionally but did not have any feelings of sadness or anything. Honestly, I really thought it went great. I know this may sound weird. I left there glad we hung out and glad we had the opportunity to do so. I was slightly surprised at how good I felt and the lack of sadness. I think I have really come almost full circle and a long way during this healing process. I was/am proud of myself. Don't get me wrong, there are always feelings of loss and sadness deep down but I am able to deal with them better. My heart is healing!

new babies

Well two of my friends had their babies this week...one of which is a good friend. I am so excited for them both...and honestly I really mean it. I was going to try to stop and see the one, but I just did not know how I would do. As for my close friend, I am looking forward to seeing her and the baby but think it may be easier to do so once they get home. I am not sure I am able to walk and see all the babies. I do love these women and know they will make great parents. I would do anything for them and trying to sort through the feelings that are creeping up and not show it too much. I am slightly anxious to how it will be to hold the baby...both of which are girls. I think my close friend will not put pressure on me to do so. She has been really good throughout her pregnancy, only talking about it when I asked. Mark and I will be at least stopping by this week so we will see how it goes. I am good when I think of things matter of fact but not so easy when the mother instinct creeps in. I know there will be some sadness in my heart for myself but only for the loss of what I do not/will not have. Praying God will give me strength.

holidays

We are into the holiday season. Things are going pretty good. At times when we go to functions and there are lots of kids, I think there is no way I want to have to worry about bring around this many children. I actually like being a care free adult able to have a glass of wine or a drink with no worries. I love being able to attend adult parties during this time of the year. I love being able to buy gifts for my nieces and nephews. However at other times, I think it would be fun to take a vacation with no kids to amazing place and just hang with my husband and even another couple with no children. I have had people I know do this because there can be so much of a focus on children these times of the year. Luckily, well last year anyway, my family did not do this which made it easier. I think this is partly because my brother is dealing with this too. I am looking forward to work parties, friend parties and just time relaxing with hubby and close family.

friends

I had thought I wrote something about this in the past but can not see that I did so...I am going to do so now. I had several friends become pregnant during  my IVF treatments. Some much closer than other. I have a close friend who became pregnant around the time of my last IVF. They all knew how difficult the situation was for me. However I have had two different ways people  handled it. I am going to explain as to hopefully help those who know someone going through as to not hurt them. One of my really good friends called me on the phone and let me know. I know she was nervous and maybe even did not want to do it and even said that. I really appreciated her letting me know and acknowledge the feelings it may cause to me. Yes there were tears from me but I was/am very happy for them. I am just sad for my self. I think that is the best way to handle the situation. I recently had a different approach. This was from someone who knew a lot of the feelings I had  while dealing with infertility and opened up with her, well in a group really. She elected at this point to not tell me, despite the fact that she is now showing. I am sure she is not sure how to handle it but this is NOT the way. It actually makes me feel even more disappointed and upset about the fact that she does not tell me. She may think that is her way of not making me upset but trust me, ignoring it and me is not. My advise is to be upfront but say it in a non bragging way and acknowledge the feelings it may cause. Be okay if she cries and maybe even cry with her. She is not mad at your, she is crying for her loss.

another baby shower

We I went to another good friend of mines baby shower. This person has been through the whole infertility process with me, meaning she was there to listen and support me through it. It was bittersweet when I found out she was pregnant but I am happy for them. The shower was cute and went with another friend of mine, which was nice. They did it a little different in that you drop in, eat visit and leave and done with couples. My hubby was working so he did not go. I did well as it and truly able to be happy for them. Her husband surprised her with a video of photos he made. It was cute and she loved it. I could not watch the whole thing. I think mostly it is because I would love to see my belly grow and feel a baby move and this is all things I will not have happen. I did get a little sad later about it all. I have said before I do not think it will ever go away. I will always have that. It is hard to sit in a room and have 3 or 4 of the women pregnant with their first or even third. I wonder if they even realize how lucky and blessed they are...I wish they would.

confirming my emotion

Today we came back from a weekend away together. We had a good time. I had made a PCP appt for the day we came back so I did not have to take off work to go another day. It was just a yearly check up. Anyway, I have known my dr for a while and we always got along well together. I do like her. We got to talking about labs I had done recently and told her the last I had were during infertility. Well here to find out she had been in the same spot years ago. They could not have kids either. I asked her if they ever consider adoption. It was crazy because she said some of the same things they had to think about that we...or maybe I...have to think about. She works alot and her husband would have to care for the child more that normally. This is the same for us. They decided not to to adopt. I asked her if that was hard or still is. She said it is at time and probably always will be.  I often feel the same way. It made me cry a little and I felt bad for crying and she felt bad for "making me" although she didn't make me. I very grateful for her openness to talk about it all with me. It was nice to hear her feelings being the same. I do fear/know it will never go away...only placed further in the back and at times will creep up. I am thankful God has placed people like that  to help me along the way.

finally called

Well I finally called the other day to the dr office. I explained that we no longer wanted to proceed with any further treatment. I explained that we didnt realize that we had any sperm left but did not want them. It was a difficult decision to make and even harder to finally do. They were understanding and emailed a form for mark to sign. He then signed had it notarized and faxed back...sad day. I know that we are done but it is just another final thing done to complete close this chapter.

month of prayer

A day or so after the baby shower I brought up an idea to the hubby. We decided (well maybe mark agreed) that for the next month we would each pray about what God wanted us to do regarding children. We are to keep an open mind and heart to try and really hear what he says. Then after the month is up, we will sit back down and talk about. As of now I still have this want for a child, most of the time. So I need to either move on completely or start looking at adoption. A few days after we decided this, I met a lady who is half owner of an orphanage in Ethiopia. Interesting. I have been praying for God to just yell it to us and put what ever he wants right in our face....

baby shower

It has been a while since I have been on. I guess in some ways that is good. I have been healing. I have been trying to find my happiness in my current life. I did go to my first baby shower in several years. Actually I was not even nervous. I did not buy the gift, just went in on a large gift with others. I think that helped. Also I went with friends and some of which do not have children either so the focus at our table was not on kids. It was nice. There was only 1 bad part per say. They decided to draw names and when your name was drawn you had to give parenting advise to the mommy to be. I started to fret a little. Unsure if I could hold in my emotions. I just started praying, please do not pick my name. I did start to think though what if they did. Luckily they did not. However if they had, my plan was to say "look at your child every day and remember they are are blessing and gift from God".  So the event ended and I was proud of myself for going and doing well. I can do this!

final closure

I opened the mail a few days ago and found a bill from reproductive office. I was surprised to see it and looked into it a little more and saw they were charging us for the next year of sperm freezing. I was wondering if we had any left but had not heard anything so figured we used it all. I guess I was wrong. It is somewhat of a heart ache of what to do. I had to bring this up to Mark. I know we said we are all done but then what do we do with the frozen sperm. A part of me thinks, do we just use what is left with IUI  - they are cheap and easy be done with it. Mark brought up donating them, but I can't do that. Maybe I am selfish but I do not want to wonder if we/he has a child around that we can not have. Too hard. If we just kept them frozen, then my next question is why, if we have no plans on using them. Either we use them or discard them. Mark does not think there is a question about keeping them, as we said they are done and I know that but in my heart it is the final closure to this process and makes it a little more difficult.

innocence

Today we were sitting at church with a few little babies in front of us. One of the little kids that call be 'aunt' leaned over and asked me when I was going to have a baby. The innocence in her question. It brought a little tears to my eyes but not enough for her to realize. I answered that I am not able. She asked why. How do you answer that to a little girl who thinks women get married and have babies. I said that God does not have that planned for my life right now. With a look of not quite content on her face I added, instead He gives me lots of little niece and nephews to love - like you. She seemed to accept that answer, smiled and moved on. It did make me think about it. I was proud of my self for handling the question well with minimal tears. I by no means was upset with her asking. It seems that the healing continues. Mark and I had a good discussion about adoption the other day. I thought it went well and even though neither have changed their mind I was glad we had it.

bittersweet

Today I ran into a friend, that I am just starting to get to know. Anyway he was out eating lunch and for some reason felt the need to stop and chat. I really did 't have time as I needed to go to the other hospital to round but did anyway. We started chatting and one topic lead to another and got on adoption. I knew he and his wife had went through infertility and he knew mark and i were - thanks to my dad :). We chatted a bit and he told me about how they came to the conclusion to finally do it. He also talked about how his wife wasn't really keen on the idea initially. They seemed to have off and on talks about it and finally his wife did come around to the idea and they adopted a child internationally. It was a long process but worked out for them. It was good to hear some of a mans opinion on it all. It was also nice to see the struggles were very similar and they themselves are similar to mark and I. They did all kinds of traveling before they did finally adopt. They come from a religious background as well. It did give me hope that maybe in the end of all this heartache there is a happy ending....somewhere....sometime.

my prayer today

rough day

The last few days have been a little hard. I am not sure what is really triggering it. It seems like everyone around me is pregnant. I know that is not true but does seem to be a lot especially at work. It makes me happy for them but sad and wish it could be me. I know some of this is what I have previously said. I was watching an interview with Jimmy Fallon and he talked about him dealing with infertility. His wife and him decided to use a surrogate to have their baby and said even when looks like you can not go anymore do not give up hope. It makes me wonder if we should have done things differently. I am not saying I want to go back through IVF  but having hard time closing that chapter in my life. Last night I laid in bed and prayed that God either provide us a baby or take this yearning for one out of my heart. I an trying to be content but keep filling that want with vacations or buying things, but it is just not working. I only hope that things change in one of our hearts soon.

abused and neglected

Yesterday I was chatting with one of the docs I work with. We were talking about a place where children go who  are not doing well in foster care to regroup. These children are usually neglected or abused previously and range in age. It made me start to think about these kids. I told him a brief synapse of what mark and i have been doing this last year. He asked if we were interested in adopting. I am not sure this is for us. It is not something Mark seems interested in. However we briefly chatted about it. We feel bad for the children. They do not ask for that. They are stuck in homes with people who didn't care for them. They do need good parents to care and love for them, just not sure that is us. It would be a challenge for anyone and definitely need to both agree on doing it. It would need to be a joint commitment for anyone choosing to adopt or even foster. Something to really pray about.

1 year

It has roughly been 1 year since we started the IVF process. It has been a very cray year and many ups and down. As I look back, I can't believe it has been that long. In some ways I wish we would not have done it but in others, it has changed both my husband and I. We are still healing every day and think it will continue to occur but we are definitely closer to each other. Somedays are still hard and there are still tears that just sneak up.  I do not know where life will take us and my heart still longs (most of the time) for a child of our own but we are learning to try to be content with where we are.

anut/uncle day

Did you know that July 26th is aunt/uncle day? Well it is. It is nice to be celebrate a day like this while going through/dealing with infertility. I never knew this day existed until last year. It actually slipped my mind this year until I received a phone call from my two fav niece and nephew. They called and wished me happy aunts day. I am so blessed that my brother and sister and law remember that. It really does mean alot to me. I know it is not as big of deal as mothers and fathers day but still good to be remembers. So if you know someone in your family that is in my shoes, remember this day and remember them. It will make them feel special.

strength

get away

So we had a little get away and enjoyed life with zip lining - which was awesome! We also just hung out and spent time together which is one of my fav things to do. We went to a different church sunday - just because of our mini vacation and heard a guys story of how he let God work through him and reestablished his relationship with his ex-wife (now wife again) by listening to Him. He felt God telling him to contact her and so asked God for a few things in order for it to happen. Make a long story short, he got all those things and they ended up getting back together and so on. It made me think about our infertility. I am not sure if God wants us to have a baby. We have tried to work with medical treatment and no success. I am drained emotionally. I am still having somewhat of a hard time deep inside dealing with it. So I decided to try to change it up a little and if God wants us to have one, He will give us one. Whether it is by us getting pregnant on our own or one somehow falling into our lap. This is somewhat hard to just let go but hoping it will in the end make me happier person not trying to control it. Let the praying continue.

Being joyful

I have had several patients (50's) or so recently that have been diagnosed with different cancers. Then today found out a colleague had serious medical condition (treatable) suddenly diagnosed. It has confirmed to me life is truly fragile. I  think sometimes we forget this. We have been so focused on what the next step was in the process and what we were going to do from here. This easily happens and often forget the reality of life. I have been down and sad about what I do not have and forget to be happy my parents are still here to help us through this. I have been so focused on the future and have missed little things that are happening now. I am taking today and going to try to remember to be content with where we are. To live life to the fullest. One friend just reminded me to also tell those around you, your feelings. You never know what tomorrow or next week might bring. So in two days - we are going zip lining!

seriously

So it has been at least a month. I thought I was doing pretty good but for some crazy reason, the last couple days I have been moody, easily agitated etc...I feel bad for my hubby. I did apologize but can feel when I am getting kind of pissy. This afternoon I was just chatting with him on the phone and started crying out of no where. I am not really sure completely why. I know I am not 'myself' but at this point, I am not really sure who 'myself' really is. I do not like feeling this way. I am hoping to get back to my 'happy self' but who knows.
On a side note, the race went well with my nephew. He did great for 5 yrs old. I am already looking for the next one to run. We had a good time. It is nice to find something the two of us can do together.

running

Have been running some and must say it is a nice change to focus on trying to be healthy and feel good with myself. I actually have a 2 mile race I am running with my nephew tomorrow and am looking forward to it. It has helped keep my mind focused. I have been able to speak about it a little when people have asked. I think it has helped to be open and straight forward when having the discussion. Some time there are tears that come but not as frequent. I still can not be around babies, it just breaks my heart too much. I do have a good friend that is pregnant and feel bad that I do not ask her about it or inquire how things are going. It just hurts. I am very happy for them but sad for us. I finally told her that and with lots of tears but feel relieved that she know deep down I do care and would be there for her if she needs anything. She knows all we have been through and am blessed that she understands and knows that is how I feel.

somedays

It has been a several weeks since we found it is failed. Some days are better than others. My heart still hurts but most of the time, I am able to keep the thoughts and feelings at bay. My husband is glad this is all over, which at times, it makes me sad to think that. I had a friend give me a little insight about that. She says that it is hard for him to see me so upset and heartbroken when it fails. I asked him about it and was surprised somewhat when he did not seem to think that right away but thought more that is a subconscious thought. I will say though, regardless, he has been a great support and husband through this. I am so grateful for that.  I still do not know what the future holds for us and sometimes want to keep going but think that is mostly because I do not want to close the door completely. I know that is not what Mark wants so respecting that. In the meantime, still healing.

moving on

It has been a few weeks since the last failed FET (frozen embryo transfer). The anger has subsided. I still hurt inside but is a little easier to hide...most days. I still do not want to be around babies. As I keep stating, Mark had been really good in dealing the emotions when they arise. I know that they will never completely go away. There is a part of me deep down that still hopes to have a baby of our own someday but Mark and I are not ready to talk about any future for us. We are just trying to enjoy our life on a daily basis. I have gotten my self into running with a friend to change my focus and hoping that helps with the 'depression' or sadness. It has been good to run and have something to look forward to every week. I hope it continues. We did celebrate my birthday recently and it was bittersweet. I was hoping I would have been pregnant by then, but that obviously didn't work. So instead, I turned it into a birthday week :)

not a coincedence

Today I had my yearly GYN check-up. I was not super excited but knew needed to get it done. I went in knowing I was going to have to talk about all we had been through this last year. The nurse Courtney took me back and asked a few basic questions. She asked if I had any recent procedures or surgeries so I had to tell her 3 IVF's, well 1 IVF and 2 FET.  She then said she was sorry I had to go through that, which I thought was nice. Then I told her we were done and needed to draw the line somewhere. She disclosed to me, the same thing happened to her and her husband. They did IVF and didn't take and called it quits. She said the same things I think and feel. It is such an emotional journey and can take its toll on your marriage. She even made the comment that she wouldn't wish this on anyone. It was so cool to hear her say those things. I then asked her what they did afterward. Crazy as it may be, they ended up pregnant on their own. Not sure that will happen to us but will say was nice to see her and hear her thoughts today. It really helped to heal my broken soul.

good thought

sadness

I am going to be open and raw with my feelings in hope that it will help someone else. It has been a little over a week since I found out our last FET (frozen embryo transfer) did not take. I have had various degree of emotions. I think I have done a pretty good job hiding them at work but inside my heart is breaking. I can not explain the sadness I have. I would imagine it is similar to those who have miscarried except this is somewhat different because it is the end and final time with no signs of a child of our own. Tears just come to my eyes when I think about it. This is not what I had planned for my life. It is not where I expected to be. It is not what I want! I can not imagine growing old with no child to watch grow up or watch have children of their own. I will never be a grandma let alone a mother. Maybe I do not know the extent of the loss since I have never had a child. I told my hubby that I feel a part of me died with each child we 'lost'. I am not the same person I was when we started this. At this point, I do not like the person I am and the feelings I have. I do not feel whole and not sure how to make or if I will ever be completely whole again. Maybe it will just take some time but that is all I keep saying. I love my husband and am very glad to have all of his support. I feel he is the only one I can really say this all to. He has asked me if I wanted to talk to someone but to me, unless someone is in the same place, they really do not understand how I feel. No offense to my friends. I can say the things in my head a counselor would say. At least with my hubby, I can cry with him and he gets it.

stop complaining

Today I went to a dinner with coworkers. It was a nice dinner and the speaker was pregnant. I could not help but stare at her belly. It made me wonder. I could not listen to people ask her questions about it and when she was due and how she was feeling. Then she began to say how she was having back pain and thigh numb and etc. I am not sure that she was completely complaining (giving her benefit of doubt) but still I wanted to scream - dont you realize how lucky you are!!! I would love to have that and feel all of the discomforts that I may never get. I just wish people would realize that every child and pregnancy is a blessing that others do not ever get to see and they need to stop taking it for granted. Some would give anything to be in their shoes.

after a few days

A few days have passed since our last attempt failed. I think it is setting in more and honestly I woke up today and am fairly angry. It has been a rough day. I am going to vent and say things we (people in the same shoes) think. It is not fair to see these children in homes, or taken from homes where their parents do not care. It sucks to see all those teens who do not know how to care or may not want a child have babies. I get upset because here is a very capable couple who can financially afford and care and are married that want a baby and can't have one. We would have cute babies/kids. Some things do not make sense. I am aware that I am not to question why God does things but these thoughts still creep into my head at times. I try to push them out, but I know deep down we all wonder them at one time or another.  This is frustrating and part of my grieving process I need to work through. I HATE that we are here and having to deal with it!!! I HATE that I am not pregnant right now. I am a strong person but today it is getting to me and know this will not be the end of the tears. Somedays are easier than others.

3rd is over

We are officially done. The test was negative. The office called me around lunch so it was hard to finish seeing patients the of the day, I just wanted to go home to see Mark and cry. I felt sick all day and only ate 1/2 sandwich. It was a bad day! As soon as I saw him, I just cried. He is super supportive. He had flowers and a card waiting for me. He text me to tell me he loved me and we have each other. I am glad to have gone through this with him. A part of me is angry this time. Mark tells me not to be. I am not mad at a person, just that it didn't work. We spent LOTS of money and have nothing to show. Luckily mark is smarter than me and said he would have not traded it and is glad we did all the treatments. He would do it all over again. It is just hard knowing we will not have a kid of our own, or even one ever. I realize that this is not what God has planned for us, it just sucks when our plans are different than His. I do not know what He does have in store for us but I am hoping it is far better than I can imagine at this time in my life. I am not sure I am going to be able to talk about it for a while and almost just want spend time with just the two of us. I don't want to talk about it. I need to sort through my feelings. I am thankful for a husband who has dealt with all my crazy emotions and still loves me. I will say this...I hope others do not have to go through the amount of heartbreak we did. It has changed our lives and who we are forever!

test is tomorrow

Our last blood test is tomorrow.  I could look at lots of symptoms I have and think these could be signs of early pregnancy but then again, they could be from the progesterone.  I have not been feeling good...just full and nauseated. I am trying to think positive and actually feeling pretty calm. I think that is good. I am anxious/excited to see where life will soon take us. Only 1 day will tell. I am glad my husband is off and no one knows that we are testing tomorrow, so that is helpful and less stressful too. Tomorrow my life will change forever....one way or another.

waiting is hard

So it has been a few days since the transfer occurred. I was able to have the weekend off from work and relax out in the beautiful sun.  I must say every little twinge or cramp or queasy feeling, makes me wonder. I think that can make one go crazy! I am trying to push those thoughts away and not worry about it. That is hard and think it will get harder as the next 2 weeks go. I just try to pray when I feel the fear start to creep up. Oh and I am doing this round different. I am talking like they are there and I am pregnant. I talk to them daily and sometimes more. I know that may sound crazy but think at this point we all are a little anyway ;) Positive attitude has to help too!

last transfer

Third time is a charm! We went this am and both little 'babies' are growing and look pretty good. Could be a little better but that is ok. We will take it. My uterus was not so cooperative this am but did get them in and was so cool to see them appear on the ultrasound. We even got a pic - the first of many ultrasounds to follow :)  That is what I told them anyway. Before we started I told Dr M how thankful I am of her regardless of what happens and how much we Love her. I teared up some but just in case I don't see her, I wanted her to know. We got home and Spanky and I have been laying on the couch. Hoping to lay out in the sun some too. I do feel a little crampy today, not sure I remember that from before. Will see how things go. Can only pray and do have some amazing and many friends and family that are doing that. We are truly blessed with the support we have.

day before

So it is the day before the last transfer. I had another acupuncture today, last for about 10-12 days. I am a little anxious but excited as well. I am somewhat surprised that I am excited because we kept putting it off for fear of dealing with the emotions. I do think the acupuncture has helped to relax me. Dr M is happy with the lining which is good, but know that doesn't guarantee anything. I have really been trying to stay positive about this round. I am trying to push the worries and anxieties away and let God take care of them. That is what He wants us to do.

watching others

I have found the last few days a little more difficult. I have watched those who were pregnant around or within a month of our first IVF have their babies. I am seeing pics all over and a part of me is upset because that means ours would be about a month old by now. I am glad it has worked for them but sometimes feels like a stab in the heart because I want that me be us. I know this is part of the healing process and I need to deal with this on my own. Some days are just harder than others. I hate the feeling of jealousy because we are not to want and be jealous of others. I am trying to push those feeling away but just being honest for others who may have the same feelings.

soon

Tomorrow is my next dr appt. It is tentatively the last one before the transfer. I am somewhat nervous, not really for the appt, but more because I have to start THE shots again. That I am not looking forward to. One would think it gets easier, but it does not. I am getting excited for the transfer. I do feel good this round. I feel strong and hopeful. It is definitely different from last round. I did try almond milk - vanilla - today as part of my yen diet and I thought it was good. I did it with cereal and strawberries and almost tasted like strawberry ice cream cone...yum! One good thing I found today. Hoping ultrasound and blood work looks good tomorrow.

prayer

3rd cycle starting

I have started meds to enter officially (other than birth control pills) into the 3rd cycle. I must say that I am feeling pretty good with the acupuncture and diet adjustment. I am not sure if the medications are making me crazy - you will have to ask my husband that. lol. I am slightly anxious about it but trying not to think. I have a vacation we are leaving for so that is helping to keep my mind off of it and focused on something else. I am glad to be moving into this last transfer so we can find out the next plan for our lives. I think I can speak for both of us when I say that. We have an amazing support system and lots praying for us! This can all only help.

moms day

So tomorrow is moms day and we who are going through this journey know how difficult it can be. We tend to have emotions that creep up that day. I want you all to know, it is ok to not want to go to family get togethers. It is ok to want and to do something for yourself. It is ok, as long as you are open with your own mother and give her a card or something early. I think that most mothers/families will and should understand. For us who have lost many children along the way may grieve some that day and it is ok too. I just want to encourage you to love yourself tomorrow and I will be praying for all of us who are in this journey. We are all strong women and I hope that you can find peace and know that you are not alone! Those of you who are reading this that have family dealing with infertility, pray for them tomorrow and let them know you are there for them.

yen diet

My acupuncturist gave me a book called the Infertility Cure examining acupuncture and infertility. It is interesting and had a section in it about our eating habits. I read through the book and according to ancient chinese medicine - i have spleen deficiency mostly. I verified that with Kirsten. I decided I would try to change my diet to help as well. I tried to follow it but found to be somewhat difficult. Here is what it included: pumpkin seeds, walnuts, cooked dark green and winter veggies like broccoli, cabbage, kale, brussel sprouts. Also what meats I did eat, were to be organic, and encouraged to eat more fish - cooked, wheat flour, no sugar and min dairy. The dairy is hard. She told me to refrain from ice cream - that is the worst. I needed to 'warm' my uterus and am not to use any ice in my drinks either. I did pretty good but had harder time eating cooked veggies in the beginning and then in then more recent have been harder to avoid ice cream. It has been so nice out. I must day I did feel better and loose a few pounds at first, but think that is mostly due to change in diet. It is nice. I hope to keep it up throughout this process as best I can.

National infertility survival Day

So saw that today (the weekend before mothers day) has been designated for National Infertility Survival Day. It is great that people are recognizing the disease. According to the website, it is purposefully done the week prior knowing the emotions we are dealing with at this time. To me, we are all survivors. That includes those who have moved on and finally received the miracle of a child after treatment, to those who are still fighting to those who have moved on. We are all strong women who are 'surviving' this journey. Hats off to US today! Enjoy your day and make it all about you!
http://infertility.about.com/od/copingwithinfertility/a/survivalday.htm

acupunture

Today I tried acupuncture. Since we have had 2 failed IVF attempts, I thought would try something different. It was a little bit farther than I was hoping. It is another treatment that is not covered by insurance but guess a drop in the bucket in overall cost. I was a little nervous. My husband went with me so that was nice. He did not go back with me, but drove me there. Kirsten asked me some questions about history of our infertility as well as symptoms over the last year. Then she had be get into a gown and lay on the table. I closed my eyes as she placed the little needles (1 on head, abd and wrist then both shins and feet). It did not really hurt, just a little sting. Then she left and turned out the overhead light. I was to rest and relax. I focused a little on the needles because it was new, but overtime was able to feel myself breathing easier and relaxing some. I can for see myself sleeping possibly in future sessions. Today I was a little anxious as I was on call but think next week will go better. She did give me a book to read. This can only help, even if it is just with my overall anxiety.

Join the movement - 5 must haves for battling infertility

We have been dealing with infertility for the past 2.5 yrs. It has been a long battle with many ups and downs. We have both grown through this process and think have become stronger individuals and closer as a couple. This week we are celebrating national infertility awareness week. I wanted to share 5 things that I think everyone needs/should have with traveling this journey.
1. A supportive spouse - I think this is kind of a given because there are so many papers each have to sign and definitely need a sperm and an egg to form a baby. For women there are also alot of emotions we go through and it is nice to have a spouse who understands and is able to deal with those emotions. Don't get me wrong there are tough times too but we traveled the same path together. Be sure to take special time away from the process and spend it with each other to keep that 'spark' going.
2. A supportive family/friends - Second to a supportive spouse, you need to surround yourself with friends and/or family that love you. There are times when you will be down and a note or call or text from a friend is always a boost you need. They are someone to vent to and pray for you when you need it. Also, they can help give you the distractions you will need. Just as it is good to spend time with your husband, it is also good to have a girls night or something. Their support is a must!
3. Faith - I realize that some may get angry and blame God for this disease, but I found it easier to not be angry. It took too much time and energy. I found it helpful to pray in the good times and the bad times. I actually have been able to turn to verses in the bible to help me after times of failed IVF. It seemed to ease the pain some. God is walking with us during this journey and not sure we would have been able to have the strength we needed without Him. I know that He has a plan for us, just trying to be patient and content while we wait to see what that is.
4. Doctor you love - This is super important. There are many doctors that 'claim' they treat infertility but may not have as good success rates or even able to perform all possible procedures needed. It is important to investigate and find the right doctor. Also it is good to have a connection with them. I absolutely love Dr. M. Even though it hasn't worked for us, I wouldn't trade her for another doctor. Find a doctor that makes you feel that way.
5. Lots of money - Depending on how far you may have to go and your insurance coverage or lack there of, it can get very expensive. Luckily for us we have been able to pay for it as we go, but realize that is not the case with everyone. Some have to take out loans and what not. I hope insurance companies start to cover this better.
This is my top 5 needed for traveling the journey. There are many others but this is what works for me. Hope this helps you to form your own. Good luck in your process. Focus on the blessing you do have and love each other.

http://www.resolve.org/infertility101
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html
http://www.resolve.org/niaw

Join the movement - turning bad into good.

Many have and are battling with infertility. As you read through my blog, you will realize it is a very emotional journey. It can turn your life and your marriage up side down. In the beginning it was like that for me. That is all I focused on. We went through multiple IUI (intrauterine insemination) and 2 IVF's. After the first IVF and I felt sorry for myself and husband but did find it helpful to help another person through it. Luckily for her she became pregnant. I decided I needed to focus on the positives of this process. I began to help another couple through their IVF and then a close friend as well. It was nice to share my experiences with them as well as my faith and strength. I believe that is what helped them to become stronger. I then decided to start my blog. I thought if I could help those few, why not others throughout the nation. I hope to help people remember they are not alone and their are others dealing and have dealt with same situations. Also I hope to be able to help people find more positive ways one can deal with it. We have all been dealt rough hands but it is what you chose to do with those hands. I chose to find ways to help others in similar situations.
I have also changed my focus to love and care for those who are around me. I have many children of close friends and a few family that love me. I have decided to put my energy into loving them back and be that second adult figure they can come to and have fun with. They say it takes a village to raise a child and so I want us to be apart of those children's lives. We have much to offer them and think we will also learn from them. I love being able to give them a break in routine and their parents some time to themselves as well.   If nothing else, I can be the 'mother' to many. I am blessed.
Can check out these sites below for info about infertiltiy. Happy National infertility awareness week!

 http://www.resolve.org/infertility101
http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/about.html

 

http://www.resolve.org/niaw

mothers day

found this pic today on pinetrest. I love it and thought would share with you all. It is sooo true.  Some of us have little ones we hold in our hearts and will only meet in heaven. Others wish and want to someday be a mother to their own. I know that day really sucks! Remember we can be a mother to many :) I hope for those who are reading that are mothers, remember those who are wanting and send a quick prayer out that day. I could keep ranting but will spare us all and let the picture do the speaking. Love to all!

last round

So we have officially set the next date for our last round. It is a bit off still but talked with michelle to get the meds all worked out and set up. Really not looking forward to going back on them....and neither is my husband...lol. They make me a little crazy and emotional. Imagine that. I have gone back and forth about acupuncture as well. I have called and got some prices and have decided that in the whole scheme of this, it is a drop in the bucket so made my first appointment for that as well.  Looks like once I start it will be every week so will get about 4 treatments in before the transfer. It will all come so fast. Luckily I have some other things coming up that will distract my time and hopefully not make infertility the focus over the next few months.

Oh the emotions

I went to visit Dr M today to just chat. I prayed before I went in because I could feel the emotions. It was like stepping back in the routine and having to deal with things again. I am not sure I am ready for this. I wanted to ask her about acupuncture and about what I can do to help things. She said she was very sorry and sad things haven't worked yet. I don't blame her. The tears did come. She just sat and listened and for that I am thankful. I do think we could be friends on the outside, that is how well we get along. I asked her to be honest with me about how the eggs looked last time, she said good at day three (day of transfer). This is good but kind of makes it hard for me for to swallow because not sure what is not working inside. I am more sad because this could be the end. This will be the last transfer. We are somewhat hopeful but do only have 2 to transfer IF they both make the thaw. I left the office and just wanted to cry but instead had to stop thinking about it and move on to see my patients. Later, I was able to grieve with the hubby, who is not looking forward to the emotions involved with the next month and beyond.

fast forward

I started this blog several months into my infertility journey. I am not going to catch up to real time. Jump forward about 5 month. We spent the last several months enjoying time together with family and friends. Doing what we wanted and felt back to myself. I must say it was really nice and very thankful we did that. However occasionally we would look back and face the reality of this journey. We still have 2 frozen blasts. I kept putting it off because I did not want to face the future and possible reality. It made me sad just thinking about it. Mark and I however agreed to do it before our year was up after initial freeze. That month seems to come closer and closer at a faster pace making me face it head on. We decided to set a tentative date in the next coming month or 2. To start the process I have made an appointment just to chat with Dr M.

surrogacy

I had a friend and then one of my sister-in-laws ask me about surrogacy. They both offered to carry our baby for us. It is one of the most unselfish things they could do. I actually briefly thought about it. The problem is they are not completely sure why they will not attach. There is no guarantee it will attach to them. Mark and I talked about it a little. It is definitely something to consider depending on the cause but for us and for now, we decided it is not something we want to do. I do greatly appreciate their thoughtfulness of it because it is very giving of themselves. Maybe we would reconsider in the future but it would take a lot of investigating all the details and cost. It does work for others and I am glad there are people willing to do that.

enjoying

I am sitting here enjoying life free of medications. We have been spending time with each other and friends and family. Do not get me wrong I am still sad at times but it is different. I am not thinking about it every day, all day. It is far easier to focus on the good things we have. I know that is the back of my mind I have one more cycle of IVF pending. Part of the reason it stays in the back of my mind, is because I do not want to face the thought of dealing with it failing too. I do not want to deal with this emotions and sadness. It may work, but there is no guarantee and at this point I like being myself again.

time

Have been keeping busy lately. I think it is good because it keeps my mind off things and focused on others. I have been planning a big easter egg hunt for our church. Tomorrow is the big day for that. It is funny because I like doing this and people often find it odd because I do this and do not have children but to me, it is great to see the smiles on all of their faces. I really do not focus on that I do not have a child to attend but that I have many that will be there. I am hoping it all goes well. The weather is going to be great for it. Hope you all can enjoy your family this easter weekend. Remember to be blessed for what you do have around you!

find peace

I started reading a book about finding peace with childlessness. I thought this may help to bring the joy back to my life. Some parts did not really apply to me but there have been a few good points. Talked about protecting your marriage and looking at adoption (which at this point we are not interested in). Also helped me to look at 1 area that touched me the most. That is other children. I may have said some of this earlier but thats ok. I have heard it takes a village to raise a child. Often times, we are to focused on ourselves to remember that. I may not have children but I have MANY around me that do and many children that love me. I want to change my focus from trying to have a baby to helping 'raise' those around me. My hubby and I have a lot to offer any child. We are well traveled, can be patient (LOL), loving and caring. We often have times that others do not. God has put these children in our lives and us in theirs for us to learn from each other. I hope to be the person these kids can come to with anything and someone outside of the family (but still an adult) they can trust. I am going to try to embrace this role. Maybe it will help to heal my heart as well.

and so we go on

It has now been a little bit since the 2nd failed IVF. Some days are hard. I still get sad when I think about it. I know at this point, we are ready for a break. We both need to get back to being happy and enjoy each other. We need to change our focus back onto our marriage and finding joy again. I am not sure how ling this will be, but for now that is our plan. Honestly, I think we are both looking forward to this. A time without all those extra hormones. It is bitter sweet but going to try to make the best of it.

footprints

I am trying to use this to remember that He is walking through this with us at all times!

aftermath

The next few days did not get any easier. Everywhere I turned, there was a reminder of what it would be like to have a baby. I just keep thinking about us not having one. On the outside I an holding it together (I think) but on the inside my heart still hurts and is crumbling. I do not know how else to explain it. It truly sucks! I do not was to be around anyone. I just want to cry. I sent a few prayer requests to a couple of different groups on line. Not only did I ask for a baby but also to help us find comfort in where God may have us going. It is a very difficult journey. I just want to be happy again. I want to be my old self. I want to find the joy in my life again. A part of me does not know if I can do this again. The other part is not ready to completely shut the door. We do have enough for one more transfer but just not thinking it will be any time soon.

failed #2

The day prior to my blood draw, I went for a walk and just cried. It was me and Spanky. I asked God to please just give us a baby. I continued to talk and tried to listen throughout the walk, but God had a friend call and chat for a few. Seemed to help relieve some anxiety. Surprisingly the next morning, I work up with a sort of peace despite dreaming the night before I wasn't pregnant. I went for my blood draw that morning. I worked all day and was somewhat glad to have some distraction. It was a long wait for the results. I kept waiting and waiting. Finally on the way home they called....NEGATIVE! Again! I got off the phone and just cried. How could this happen again? I didn't call the hubby on the way home, instead just walked in the door and started crying again. We just sat on the couch and hugged each other. Now there is a total of 5 babies we have in heaven. I know in my mind that God has a plan for us and it is bigger and better than ours, but my heart still hurt. I was relieved to know that my husband was upset too. It was a rough night.

wait is almost over

Several days after the transfer I started to feel a little sick. My belly felt nauseous. I was a little dizzy at times. This may sound crazy but I was kind of happy. I tried not to read into it too much because I didn't want to get a let down in the end. After a few days, I have gone back to feeling normal. Now this makes me nervous. I wanted to feel sick. I wanted to pretend it was morning sickness. I began to take it out on my husband. This is not fair to him but I am just not dealing with this well.
I hate this fear of the unknown. Ready for it to be over! soon!

sunshine

Today was such a beautiful day. I sat outside and soaked up the sunshine. I know this time has been and can be stressful. Some days are rough emotionally. Today I sat with spanky (my dog) on my lap and realized how blessed we are. We may not have a baby, but I have a good relationship with my husband who has supported me during this all. We also have amazing friends and family and the best dog in the entire world (I'm not partial or anything). We both have good jobs and a nice home. There is so much around us that is amazing and this journey can make you miss them if we don't stop and take the time to look. It is difficult to not focus on the next step or what is going on, but it is far better to stop and enjoy where you are and what is around you. It makes this adventure a little more tolerable. So what are you missing today?

back to waiting

I found this from my doctors facebook site. I thought it was pretty good so decided to share it. It is a list of 10 things to do during the wait period. It is a good start and just some different ideas. Check it out. http://thepregnancycompanion.blogspot.com/2010/08/10-things-to-do-during-your-tww-two.html?spref=fb

transfer #2

Time for second transfer. At the office, we did find that all three continue to grow and the decision had to be made...transfer 1, 2 or 3. Mark and I chatted about it a little that day before we arrived at the office. There was still some disagreement as to what to do. It was supposed to be a happy day but this made it somewhat stressful. In the end, he left it up to me, so I chose all three. The transfer went pretty good and it was cool to see them injected into the uterus. We came home and were able to relax that day, with family coming over to have cake and ice cream for hubby's b-day. I am glad to be able to do that, thanks to moms help, so that hubby would not feel forgotten. Now for the long wait. Hoping it goes by fast but anxious to see it things feel any different over the next few days. Only time will tell.

the thaw

So we decided to thaw 3 that were left from the first retrieval. There was a chance all three would not make the thaw. We got a phone call from the office that all 3 made it! I am excited but the hubby on the other hand is not. He is in fear of multiples. There still is a chance all three will not make to transfer day, but only time will tell. I am hoping that the hubby will be ok with transfer of all three, if they do make to day three, but think there is going to be some discussion. My thought, is that none may attach to the lining and then we are still not pregnant. Marks is  that all three will. I think we can deal with that, but find it unlikely that will happen. In the end, God is in control of this situation and no matter how many we transfer, He will give us what He wants for us.

more meds

Since this round is a little different for us, we are using different medications. This time we do not have to do a retrieval, we are using some that are frozen. Due to this, I am getting lupron injections and also estrogen patches. The Lupron is much easier than the progesterone because they can go in my belly or leg and not in my butt. The estrogen patches are small and start out with 2 then go to 4 for a bit changing them every day. I have to place them on my butt or lower abdomen again but not too big deal. They do seem to cause my skin to break out a little. Things are moving along and we are looking at a day 3 transfer soon. Will have to see how they thaw. I hope all three make it, but the hubby doesn't.

anxiety

I am sitting here actually kind of not looking forward to the start of this next cycle. I have anxiety that is welling up inside of me. I am fearful that it may fail again and then what? I know I have no control over what happens and that God is really the only one that does. I am thinking about trying acupuncture this time. My husband is not too excited about the idea but my thought is what can it hurt? I almost don't want to deal with the emotions again if it does not take. When I was young, my grandma lived far away and told us that when ever there is a full moon, we can talk to it because she is looking at it too and listening. I am well aware that this is not true but too this day, I still say hi when I see it. Anyway, lately I have been talking to her again. Really I tell her I hope she has found my babies and taking good care of them and that is she could please put in a good word for me so God can bless us with a baby. I know that she and HE is up there listening, just trying to be patient as I see where life will take us.

It is hard watching/hearing about people around you getting pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I AM happy for them. For me, I think the reason it is difficult is because you well if that round of IVF worked, I would be due roughly ____ (fill in the blank). or I would be ____ months along. Luckily for me, my husband has been aware of this and actually will pre-warn me if he hears first in a non threatening way. I appreciated it because then I can have my emotions, if any, in privacy and be happy when they tell me. Really I am excited for them, just stings because I have two who didn't make it.

support group

During our last round of IVF, I saw a flyer for a local support group. We decided to attend. Unfortunately my husband was working so I took my mother. It was nice to meet with others who are feeling the same way and going through the same things. It was nice to my mom could go because it opened her eyes to what it is really like going through this emotional journey. There is a lot of pain we hold in. There were lots of tears shed. It was nice to have people in different stages in the process there. One couple has been trying for 7 years and the last two have taken time off to decide what they want to do. One thing I heard continuously was how much you get sucked into it and the process. Your life becomes planned around the next step in your journey. It is kind of nice that Mark and I have set a limit to when we are going to stop. It does get expensive and the emotional drain it puts on us can be difficult at times. I don't want to live the next few years thinking what if. It was through Resolve - of which I have a link to on the side. If you have a local chapter - look it up and attend.

moving on

We went to our doctors appt. It was filled with a few tears. It was good to hear they were sad it didn't work. Let me tell you, one really grows to know these girls. They truly are amazing and encouraging. It is like no other office I have been to. We looked at our options and what may have happened. Dr M decided the next round we transfer on day 3. This is because she thought maybe they would do better in my uterus. The blastocytes seemed to take a little nose dive after day 3. We picked our next date out for our transfer. Luckily we didn't have to do our retrieval again and we have some frozen. We picked my hubbys bday. We hope that at least 2 survive the thaw. They are going to thaw three which makes Mark very anxious and he is not liking the idea of transferring them all.  We will cross that bridge when it comes. I am starting back on the medications that make me feel CRAZY. Things look good and the ultrasound checked out too. It is hard to not get too excited because of the fear of what could happen again. We have a lot of close people praying for is this round. It can only help. We can do this!