i did it!

Well we went over to our good friends house and meet their little girl. We took dinner and hung out while the baby slept in the beginning. After dinner she woke for her 'dinner' and was fed. Then we all went downstairs to hang out. I thought it went really well. My friend did not pressure or even ask if I wanted to hold her. That gave me some time to observe from afar. Eventually I did say something about holding her and did so for at least an hour. I was somewhat reserved and did not play much with the cute little toes and fingers and looked at her occasionally but did not have any feelings of sadness or anything. Honestly, I really thought it went great. I know this may sound weird. I left there glad we hung out and glad we had the opportunity to do so. I was slightly surprised at how good I felt and the lack of sadness. I think I have really come almost full circle and a long way during this healing process. I was/am proud of myself. Don't get me wrong, there are always feelings of loss and sadness deep down but I am able to deal with them better. My heart is healing!