sadness

I am going to be open and raw with my feelings in hope that it will help someone else. It has been a little over a week since I found out our last FET (frozen embryo transfer) did not take. I have had various degree of emotions. I think I have done a pretty good job hiding them at work but inside my heart is breaking. I can not explain the sadness I have. I would imagine it is similar to those who have miscarried except this is somewhat different because it is the end and final time with no signs of a child of our own. Tears just come to my eyes when I think about it. This is not what I had planned for my life. It is not where I expected to be. It is not what I want! I can not imagine growing old with no child to watch grow up or watch have children of their own. I will never be a grandma let alone a mother. Maybe I do not know the extent of the loss since I have never had a child. I told my hubby that I feel a part of me died with each child we 'lost'. I am not the same person I was when we started this. At this point, I do not like the person I am and the feelings I have. I do not feel whole and not sure how to make or if I will ever be completely whole again. Maybe it will just take some time but that is all I keep saying. I love my husband and am very glad to have all of his support. I feel he is the only one I can really say this all to. He has asked me if I wanted to talk to someone but to me, unless someone is in the same place, they really do not understand how I feel. No offense to my friends. I can say the things in my head a counselor would say. At least with my hubby, I can cry with him and he gets it.