transfer

We received a call that the 7 were growing well and some were even as big as ten cells.
Then it was transfer day. It was filled with excitement and nerves. It is amazing the pics of the little blastocytes they have (or my little embryos as I know them by). Only 2 actually made it to transfer day which was somewhat disheartening but we were still excited. It is just awesome the technology we have available. The process was easy. They give some a Valium pill to take, which really was just to help you relax some. Then they took me and my hubby back and transferred the little blasts into a small catheter. They then put that through the cervix and when able to visualize with ultrasound, they injected them into the uterus. How cool it was. The hard part was after we came home and had to be on rest for the next day but I tried to take it easy for the weekend. My hubby was great and loved that my dog was there to hang out to pass the time. Then hard part is the wait will the pregnancy test.

post retrieval

We headed home from the retrieval and felt ok, just a little sore. Although the rest of the day I was sick, think it was from the anesthesia. Mark had to place another IV at home and give me a bag of fluids. The next morning I felt pretty good. I really didn't have that much abdominal pain. I did go to work that day but not before I had to start the progesterone injection in my butt. I was so nervous and tried to focus on my breathing. I tried to take deep breaths. I almost hyperventilated. I think it is partly because I had no control in the process. I could only tell Mark where to give it and draw it up but he was giving the shot. Luckily he has some experience and was comfortable doing it. It did hurt like any other shot but no worse. The medication is thick which means it left a little bump under the skin that actually would be come more sore later. I did have a hot flash later that day and think it was from the change in hormones. The next am, another shot and the flow of emotions of knowing I have to do this every day kicked in. The tears rolled. Oh the emotions you go through in this process. 
A side note, we got the call that our little embryo's are growing. 12 made it through fertilization. The doctors did freeze 5 right away and we will see how the next 7 do. The plan is to implant on day 5. We were excited. This is becoming so real. I have decided I am not going to worry about it. I am going to let myself be excited. Can't wait to hear how they are doing on day 3!

the retrieval

And so I begin the injections. They started roughly a week before my retrieval. They are self injected into my abdomen (stomach). Giving myself them wasn't that bad and I was able to do most of them myself. I sometimes would rotate and give them into each thigh. Near the end of the week I had a melt down and just couldn't to it to myself anymore. I know most of it was psychological but couldn't talk myself into it. I had my hubby do it. I had multiple ultrasounds done that week - actually 5. It was exciting watching the follicles grow. It almost felt like I had a baby growing in me already. Every ultrasound there were more follicles and they just kept growing. It was amazing. Yes I was getting bloated and uncomfortable too but so worth it seeing the ultrasounds. It may be the closest I come to ever actually feeling like a baby was in my belly. As the retrieval was becoming closer, the more anxious I became. The morning we arrived to the doctors, I was glad my hubby was with me. My brother came over to pray with us before we left. The staff was amazing and attempted to help put me at ease. I was placed in the room where the eggs were to be retrieved from my ovaries. It looked like I expected. My IV was placed and meds were given. I don't remember much after that except for trying to talk through my oxygen mask. They Nurse Anesthetist was great and later we laughed at what I told her while I was somewhat sedated. The next thing I remember was waking up and the staff placing me into a chair. I had some cramps but was amazed at how easy it was. If you want to know what they do read on...if not may want to skip a few lines. They take a catheter and place it into my uterus with ultrasound. There is a needle inside that is injected into my ovaries and pulled out multiple times to remove all the eggs. They were able to retrieve 18 eggs! We were super excited. It is a great number. They let me go with plans to call me in the am to inform us how many were actually mature and able to use.

starting the medications

The day came when I went for my first ultrasound and met with the nurse - Michelle. We reviewed the medications I was to start in the next 2 days. I brought my calender to review and she instructed how to do the injections. I work in the medical field and have administered many injections to others. I thought this would be no big deal and I could handle it. However, once she started explaining, I became more anxious. She only went over the next 10 days worth of medications and said she would review the rest later. I began to wonder why she only covered half, but as I was leaving, I realized I felt like I didn't even remember what she said and felt overwhelmed. If I am a nurse and feel that way, how do others feel. There was no way I could have heard anything else she may have said. I felt crazy because it isn't hard or difficult to do this, but think it is different when doing it to yourself. It probably doesn't help when you have all these hormones flowing through your body. I already don't feel like myself and do not have control over my emotions. The crazy part is, I hadn't even started the injections. What would I be like then..YIKES!

the medications

And then the medications came. All several thousands dollars worth. The box was a little bigger than I expected. There are lots of pictures of medications all over the internet, but here is mine. I thought I could handle going through all the medications but there were boxes and boxes of injections and bottles and bottles of pills. They really did send everything including a sharps container. As I got my instructions out, the anxiety rose. I started to make a calender and put down each medication I was to take throughout the day and some days even up to 6. It was overwhelming. I wanted to take the valium they sent for the transfer right then. On one side I was frustrated again at how much I would have to go through and put in my body for the possibility for a baby. I was frustrated at how easy it is for some to get pregnant and they may not even want a baby. On the other side I am thankful for the support I have from family and close friends and know that I can keep doing this and can conquer this adventure in my life.

pre ivf

We received our packet of information in the mail of when to start certain medications and when the retrieval will be. The amount of appointments between now and the retrieval are crazy. We had to attend a class about IVF process, which was educating and informative. I thought it was good to help my husband understand what I (women) have to go through. Despite that, I still felt alone in the process. I know he was 'supporting me' but he had no idea how it felt and the anxiety's I had associated with all the medications and procedures. Also we had a lot to discuss. Once the eggs are retrieved, the sperm are injected into them (ICSI). The ones that are not implanted in the first round of IVF can either be frozen, destroyed or donated. Each couple has to agree and decide what they want to do. We had much discussion about this, as we each had different opinions. It is different for each person. It was difficult at times to talk about. Communication with each other during this whole process is very important. We had always said we were only going to do one round of IVF, but when it came down to me, that made be scared. We had come so far and how could we turn back and stop now? It was something we prayed about. Ultimately we decided to freeze the extra, but didn't make that decision till the day of the procedure.

Dance

Over the past several months I have learned to live with this motto. I have been through every emotion imaginable during this process. As I stated a few posts ago, I have asked the why questions. At times, it has been difficult. I started to attend a local Resolve chapter about 6 months ago and have found it helpful. One of the first ones I attended, we were talking about how easy it is to get 'sucked into' the process. Your life begins to revolve around the step you are in and what to do next. As we did IVF, I found how easy that happens. I got tired of that and the negativity with each failed round. I found it easier to look for the positives in our process instead of being angry and mad. No longer is infertility going to define MY life. Instead, I am going to define infertility! It is going to revolve around my life instead. It has been a much more enjoyable time. I am doing what I want. Planning our next vacation, playing indoor volleyball and started teaching at grad school. I am not going to put things off 'just in case'. My husband and I are back to enjoying each other. Don't forget, during your process, be thankful for what you have around you right now.

Four rounds of IUI done and that means we head to IVF. We had our first meeting with the doctor to talk about it and it was exciting but nervous too. Our insurance covered a little, mostly medications and ultrasounds so would be costly for us. I know some may have no coverage at all and some all is covered. We were thankful for some coverage. We had been planning for this, so had set money aside to help with the cost. We were given a 50% chance of success with implantation of 2 blasts. It is far better than the 7% with IUI but still no guarantee. That is a little hard to accept but the best chance we had thus far. It is a big step and far more invasive, for me, which made me more nervous than ever. We picked out our tentative date and the excitement rose. I decided this round to pray for what I wanted, a healthy baby. They say to ask God for what your want in Matthew 7:7 "ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be open." This is our last step in this journey. Next stop, arrival of our plans and instructions.

Why me

I found this a while back. I absolutely love this pic. It was such a good reminder for me that there is someone that is watching not only over me but for possibly any future baby we may have. It really is not in my hands. For me this has been difficult to accept at times. I have asked the simple question I have called my blog...Why Me?  Why can't it be easy for me/us to have a baby? Why do we have to go through this emotional journey? Then I thought, why not me? We have the finances to be able to afford this (it can be expensive). We have the support to get through this. We have found the strength to help us as well. Don't get me wrong, we have had our share of ups and downs but in the end has only made us stronger. I would not wish this on anyone but instead would rather have this happen to us because I know we can handle it and with Gods help, will conquer this, whatever the outcome may be. I write that last sentence with tears but not because I don't believe it but because of my fear that we may end up childless and my heart breaks. But I can do all things through God who gives me strength! (Phil 4:13)

proper infertility etiquette

I have been thinking about some things people say to those battling infertility. I know we have all been there. We have been asked:  So when are you going to have kids? Why don't you have children yet? Or if they know you are trying, people like to give you advise on what you can do to help get pregnant. There is a list of those comments that is way to long to even attempt to post. I am not sure we are even asking for their input. They have no idea where we are in the process and most of the time their comments only hurt. They are not helpful. Sometimes they don't think about what they are saying and that is can be hurtful to others. I will NEVER ask someone else when they are going to have kids.  I have posted one of my fav links to help guide others in what to say.
http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

I have some amazing friends that may not know what to say and honestly I would rather you say that. It's okay to admit that. We can help to guide you and sometimes there is nothing you can say to make it better. We just like your support and love. Use the link to share with family and friends.  Or provide these for them to try:
• Infertility seems stressful. Is there anything I can do?
• Infertility is something I don't understand. Is there a website I can read?
• You have lots of doctor appointments. Can I go with you or drive you?
• You have surgery scheduled. Can I bring dinner or help you in some way?
• I will respect your privacy. I'm here to listen whenever you're ready to talk.
• I've never been through infertility. I don't know what it's like. I want to support you if you tell me what
you need.
• I am praying for you.
We need to help educate them and hopefully this provides some insight. 

onward we move into mothers day

After three failed IUI's, we debated whether or not to proceed with a fourth or not. We only had roughly a 7% chance it would work for us but 400 dollars compared to the thousands for 1 round of IVF? We knew that was our next step starting in June anyway. We decided to do one more round of IUI and yet again it failed.  It was the hardest IUI we did because my mind started to think about the what ifs.  What if this doesnt take? What if we have to do IVF? I was just the final door in that part of the treatment. Yes we did have another door to open but that is still scary. I am a planner so in one aspect after it too failed, I was able to start planning and thinking about the next step and preparing myself. That did help a little. And then came Mothers day. That is almost a whole topic on its own. It is the worst day every year for those dealing with infertility. It is like a slap in the face. Everyone around you is happy. You go to church and they present flowers to moms for various reasons. You go to restaurants and mothers get half off. I would be a mom if I could but I can't! I am a mother to my dog, shouldn't that count? My husband worked that day, so I was on my own. I put on a fairly smiley face but inside my heart was melting. I just wanted to stay home by myself. I was blessed because my family didn't do the usual big lunch and was low key. No one has any idea what this day is like for us. I think in someways it would be nice for people in my situation to be acknowledged in some way and those mothers who are blessed with children pray for us that day. Maybe when I am through this process and this chapter in my life is closed, I will make sure that happens at my church. I do love my mom but currently I hate that day!

and the process continues

After the first IUI failed, we elected to proceed with a second and then a third. We didn't use clomid, instead femera, which had no side effects. It did not get any easier as each one failed. I chose not to tell many the following two rounds. For me, I learned it was harder to have to tell them it didn't take. Also, I learned who my friends really were. I know it is hard to show they care and not want to hurt your feelings but for me it was harder if they didn't inquire at all, especially if they knew what you are going through.They will never understand what it really feels like and the saddness that comes with it but to have their support and love was the best they could do. It was nice just to get a little note to say I am thinking about you or praying for you. Just to know someone cared. It was and still is extremely helpful to have a few close who have been through infertility too. They understand where you are and the feelings you have. I love and will always love those very few that I have. I since have been and am trying to be that person for others. This is why I chose to start this blog.

link for the new year

This is a short little checklist to help start your new year. Check it out.
http://www.examiner.com/article/your-infertility-checklist-for-2013

So we began with our journey and started with our first IUI (intrauterine insemination). We were a little nervous and not really sure what to expect. The emotional toll was rough. The long wait to see if your period would start seemed like forever. Then when you see the start of it, your heart melts. I thought I could not do it again. I was so devastated. Anytime I would think about it, tears would fill my eyes. I had told several people we were going through the round and couldn't imagine telling them it didn't take. I also had side effects, headaches, from the clomid which made me not looking forward to the next round. One goes into this process with the mindset that you will be pregnant and there are hopes and excitement. Then you wonder, what happened? Why didn't it work? You begin to feel so alone inside. But you are NOT alone. Did you know roughly 1 in 6 couples go through this. It is far more common than you think.