the test

We all have taken many of pregnancy tests hoping they would be positive. Today is the day for the 'big' one. I was very anxious and couldn't sleep well the night before. I dreamed I was not pregnant. They told us not to take a home pee test because not as accurate but I couldn't resist and took one anyway. It was negative. My heart sank. I didn't tell my husband but instead told him on the way to get a blood draw that I didn't think it worked. I cried the whole way up and back. I tried to keep my hopes up and wait for the call to come. It did shortly after noon. I was out to lunch with old friends and went out to take the call, because they had no idea what was going on. I handled the rest of lunch well but as soon as we left, the water works came. I was so glad my husband was there but it was very say. We didn't understand why it didn't work. We prayed daily for this and had many friends and family doing the same. I was not angry, more sad. It is something we really had to work through and was nice to have each other's support. I was happy my husband was glad we chose to freeze the other 5. It is a relief to know that he would be willing if and when I am ready to go through the transfer again. My mom gave me a little reminder that those 2 babies are now up in heaven and someday I will meet them. I am just hoping they have found my grandma and she is taking good care of them for me. Now is my time to grieve.