more meds

Since this round is a little different for us, we are using different medications. This time we do not have to do a retrieval, we are using some that are frozen. Due to this, I am getting lupron injections and also estrogen patches. The Lupron is much easier than the progesterone because they can go in my belly or leg and not in my butt. The estrogen patches are small and start out with 2 then go to 4 for a bit changing them every day. I have to place them on my butt or lower abdomen again but not too big deal. They do seem to cause my skin to break out a little. Things are moving along and we are looking at a day 3 transfer soon. Will have to see how they thaw. I hope all three make it, but the hubby doesn't.

anxiety

I am sitting here actually kind of not looking forward to the start of this next cycle. I have anxiety that is welling up inside of me. I am fearful that it may fail again and then what? I know I have no control over what happens and that God is really the only one that does. I am thinking about trying acupuncture this time. My husband is not too excited about the idea but my thought is what can it hurt? I almost don't want to deal with the emotions again if it does not take. When I was young, my grandma lived far away and told us that when ever there is a full moon, we can talk to it because she is looking at it too and listening. I am well aware that this is not true but too this day, I still say hi when I see it. Anyway, lately I have been talking to her again. Really I tell her I hope she has found my babies and taking good care of them and that is she could please put in a good word for me so God can bless us with a baby. I know that she and HE is up there listening, just trying to be patient as I see where life will take us.

It is hard watching/hearing about people around you getting pregnant. Don't get me wrong, I AM happy for them. For me, I think the reason it is difficult is because you well if that round of IVF worked, I would be due roughly ____ (fill in the blank). or I would be ____ months along. Luckily for me, my husband has been aware of this and actually will pre-warn me if he hears first in a non threatening way. I appreciated it because then I can have my emotions, if any, in privacy and be happy when they tell me. Really I am excited for them, just stings because I have two who didn't make it.

support group

During our last round of IVF, I saw a flyer for a local support group. We decided to attend. Unfortunately my husband was working so I took my mother. It was nice to meet with others who are feeling the same way and going through the same things. It was nice to my mom could go because it opened her eyes to what it is really like going through this emotional journey. There is a lot of pain we hold in. There were lots of tears shed. It was nice to have people in different stages in the process there. One couple has been trying for 7 years and the last two have taken time off to decide what they want to do. One thing I heard continuously was how much you get sucked into it and the process. Your life becomes planned around the next step in your journey. It is kind of nice that Mark and I have set a limit to when we are going to stop. It does get expensive and the emotional drain it puts on us can be difficult at times. I don't want to live the next few years thinking what if. It was through Resolve - of which I have a link to on the side. If you have a local chapter - look it up and attend.

moving on

We went to our doctors appt. It was filled with a few tears. It was good to hear they were sad it didn't work. Let me tell you, one really grows to know these girls. They truly are amazing and encouraging. It is like no other office I have been to. We looked at our options and what may have happened. Dr M decided the next round we transfer on day 3. This is because she thought maybe they would do better in my uterus. The blastocytes seemed to take a little nose dive after day 3. We picked our next date out for our transfer. Luckily we didn't have to do our retrieval again and we have some frozen. We picked my hubbys bday. We hope that at least 2 survive the thaw. They are going to thaw three which makes Mark very anxious and he is not liking the idea of transferring them all.  We will cross that bridge when it comes. I am starting back on the medications that make me feel CRAZY. Things look good and the ultrasound checked out too. It is hard to not get too excited because of the fear of what could happen again. We have a lot of close people praying for is this round. It can only help. We can do this!

the aftermath

The emotions continue.  Within the last couple weeks, I thought it would be easier to deal with, but it has not. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. Soon we meet with the doc and I am somewhat hopeful about what we will hear but still difficult to understand. It has been helpful talking with people in whom it has failed the first and then success with the second. I just know we would be great parents and hope that we have the ability to show that. It has been a long 9 months...just wish we had a baby to make it all worth it.

from my sis in law

The Future

My husband and I attended a wedding recently for a cousin of his. While we were sitting there watching and waiting for it to take place, I began thinking of the future. I thought about how someday I may never be the mother of the bride or groom. I may never watch my child walk down the isle or graduate from college/high school. I may never have grandkids. Tears began to well up in my eyes. It sadden me to think of all of those things I will be missing. I may never have a child to put on the bus for the first day of school or hear about his/her first kiss. I hadn't thought about this aspect of things. I have been trying to deal with the here and now. This brought on a new light. I didn't want to start crying there and had to change my thoughts from those to just being glad to be there and being with my husband. Someday I will think about the future and have to deal with that, but now just need to focus on getting through each step of this crazy journey.

Pity Party

As the last several days have passed, it is still hard to talk about with others and tears come to my eyes every time I think it. People have no idea what it feels like to - I guess maybe if you have miscarried or something similar they may understand. I found it comforting to reach out to others who have been through the same thing. My husband has been very supportive. I found above pic and found in refreshing to read. We did sit down yesterday and set a date to meet with the doctor for follow up. It gave me the next step to look forward to. I work/do well being goal oriented and planning. Also, I did come across the book of Job in the bible. I skimmed and read some because it is about questioning why. After reading, we both realized that we can't question God why. He has plans for us, they just may not be our plans. We have to look for the positives that come from this experience. It has helped to make us stronger as a couple and hoping that sometime I will be able to use this experience to help others.  Don't get me wrong, I am still sad and it still hurts but trying to find a way to move on.

the test

We all have taken many of pregnancy tests hoping they would be positive. Today is the day for the 'big' one. I was very anxious and couldn't sleep well the night before. I dreamed I was not pregnant. They told us not to take a home pee test because not as accurate but I couldn't resist and took one anyway. It was negative. My heart sank. I didn't tell my husband but instead told him on the way to get a blood draw that I didn't think it worked. I cried the whole way up and back. I tried to keep my hopes up and wait for the call to come. It did shortly after noon. I was out to lunch with old friends and went out to take the call, because they had no idea what was going on. I handled the rest of lunch well but as soon as we left, the water works came. I was so glad my husband was there but it was very say. We didn't understand why it didn't work. We prayed daily for this and had many friends and family doing the same. I was not angry, more sad. It is something we really had to work through and was nice to have each other's support. I was happy my husband was glad we chose to freeze the other 5. It is a relief to know that he would be willing if and when I am ready to go through the transfer again. My mom gave me a little reminder that those 2 babies are now up in heaven and someday I will meet them. I am just hoping they have found my grandma and she is taking good care of them for me. Now is my time to grieve.

the wait

We wake up every morning and the first thing, is the injection in my butt. Physically it isn't too bad. My butt does get sore and sometimes the area gets pretty red and inflammed. I rotate sides each day to try to help. Mark had been really good about coming home to do it between jobs and before his work out. I am so glad is is here for me during this process.
The hard part has been the wait. I feel no different. That makes me nervous and think this did not work. It is hard to keep your hopes up. I have to keep my mind off of it by keeping busy at work and with friends. I found this picture above that helps to remind me that it is not in my hands. I am hoping things will work out and the test will be positive but trying to tell myself that if it doesn't God still has a plan for us. This is HARD.

tax time

For those who are going through this or if you someone who is, it can be expensive. At least at tax time there can be a little help. Below is a link that will help to inform you what you can write off and maybe you will meet your 7.5% to write off above that. I know we will for this past year. Anything helps so check it out. http://www.irs.gov/pub/irs-pdf/p502.pdf