somedays

It has been a several weeks since we found it is failed. Some days are better than others. My heart still hurts but most of the time, I am able to keep the thoughts and feelings at bay. My husband is glad this is all over, which at times, it makes me sad to think that. I had a friend give me a little insight about that. She says that it is hard for him to see me so upset and heartbroken when it fails. I asked him about it and was surprised somewhat when he did not seem to think that right away but thought more that is a subconscious thought. I will say though, regardless, he has been a great support and husband through this. I am so grateful for that.  I still do not know what the future holds for us and sometimes want to keep going but think that is mostly because I do not want to close the door completely. I know that is not what Mark wants so respecting that. In the meantime, still healing.

moving on

It has been a few weeks since the last failed FET (frozen embryo transfer). The anger has subsided. I still hurt inside but is a little easier to hide...most days. I still do not want to be around babies. As I keep stating, Mark had been really good in dealing the emotions when they arise. I know that they will never completely go away. There is a part of me deep down that still hopes to have a baby of our own someday but Mark and I are not ready to talk about any future for us. We are just trying to enjoy our life on a daily basis. I have gotten my self into running with a friend to change my focus and hoping that helps with the 'depression' or sadness. It has been good to run and have something to look forward to every week. I hope it continues. We did celebrate my birthday recently and it was bittersweet. I was hoping I would have been pregnant by then, but that obviously didn't work. So instead, I turned it into a birthday week :)

not a coincedence

Today I had my yearly GYN check-up. I was not super excited but knew needed to get it done. I went in knowing I was going to have to talk about all we had been through this last year. The nurse Courtney took me back and asked a few basic questions. She asked if I had any recent procedures or surgeries so I had to tell her 3 IVF's, well 1 IVF and 2 FET.  She then said she was sorry I had to go through that, which I thought was nice. Then I told her we were done and needed to draw the line somewhere. She disclosed to me, the same thing happened to her and her husband. They did IVF and didn't take and called it quits. She said the same things I think and feel. It is such an emotional journey and can take its toll on your marriage. She even made the comment that she wouldn't wish this on anyone. It was so cool to hear her say those things. I then asked her what they did afterward. Crazy as it may be, they ended up pregnant on their own. Not sure that will happen to us but will say was nice to see her and hear her thoughts today. It really helped to heal my broken soul.

good thought

sadness

I am going to be open and raw with my feelings in hope that it will help someone else. It has been a little over a week since I found out our last FET (frozen embryo transfer) did not take. I have had various degree of emotions. I think I have done a pretty good job hiding them at work but inside my heart is breaking. I can not explain the sadness I have. I would imagine it is similar to those who have miscarried except this is somewhat different because it is the end and final time with no signs of a child of our own. Tears just come to my eyes when I think about it. This is not what I had planned for my life. It is not where I expected to be. It is not what I want! I can not imagine growing old with no child to watch grow up or watch have children of their own. I will never be a grandma let alone a mother. Maybe I do not know the extent of the loss since I have never had a child. I told my hubby that I feel a part of me died with each child we 'lost'. I am not the same person I was when we started this. At this point, I do not like the person I am and the feelings I have. I do not feel whole and not sure how to make or if I will ever be completely whole again. Maybe it will just take some time but that is all I keep saying. I love my husband and am very glad to have all of his support. I feel he is the only one I can really say this all to. He has asked me if I wanted to talk to someone but to me, unless someone is in the same place, they really do not understand how I feel. No offense to my friends. I can say the things in my head a counselor would say. At least with my hubby, I can cry with him and he gets it.

stop complaining

Today I went to a dinner with coworkers. It was a nice dinner and the speaker was pregnant. I could not help but stare at her belly. It made me wonder. I could not listen to people ask her questions about it and when she was due and how she was feeling. Then she began to say how she was having back pain and thigh numb and etc. I am not sure that she was completely complaining (giving her benefit of doubt) but still I wanted to scream - dont you realize how lucky you are!!! I would love to have that and feel all of the discomforts that I may never get. I just wish people would realize that every child and pregnancy is a blessing that others do not ever get to see and they need to stop taking it for granted. Some would give anything to be in their shoes.

after a few days

A few days have passed since our last attempt failed. I think it is setting in more and honestly I woke up today and am fairly angry. It has been a rough day. I am going to vent and say things we (people in the same shoes) think. It is not fair to see these children in homes, or taken from homes where their parents do not care. It sucks to see all those teens who do not know how to care or may not want a child have babies. I get upset because here is a very capable couple who can financially afford and care and are married that want a baby and can't have one. We would have cute babies/kids. Some things do not make sense. I am aware that I am not to question why God does things but these thoughts still creep into my head at times. I try to push them out, but I know deep down we all wonder them at one time or another.  This is frustrating and part of my grieving process I need to work through. I HATE that we are here and having to deal with it!!! I HATE that I am not pregnant right now. I am a strong person but today it is getting to me and know this will not be the end of the tears. Somedays are easier than others.

3rd is over

We are officially done. The test was negative. The office called me around lunch so it was hard to finish seeing patients the of the day, I just wanted to go home to see Mark and cry. I felt sick all day and only ate 1/2 sandwich. It was a bad day! As soon as I saw him, I just cried. He is super supportive. He had flowers and a card waiting for me. He text me to tell me he loved me and we have each other. I am glad to have gone through this with him. A part of me is angry this time. Mark tells me not to be. I am not mad at a person, just that it didn't work. We spent LOTS of money and have nothing to show. Luckily mark is smarter than me and said he would have not traded it and is glad we did all the treatments. He would do it all over again. It is just hard knowing we will not have a kid of our own, or even one ever. I realize that this is not what God has planned for us, it just sucks when our plans are different than His. I do not know what He does have in store for us but I am hoping it is far better than I can imagine at this time in my life. I am not sure I am going to be able to talk about it for a while and almost just want spend time with just the two of us. I don't want to talk about it. I need to sort through my feelings. I am thankful for a husband who has dealt with all my crazy emotions and still loves me. I will say this...I hope others do not have to go through the amount of heartbreak we did. It has changed our lives and who we are forever!

test is tomorrow

Our last blood test is tomorrow.  I could look at lots of symptoms I have and think these could be signs of early pregnancy but then again, they could be from the progesterone.  I have not been feeling good...just full and nauseated. I am trying to think positive and actually feeling pretty calm. I think that is good. I am anxious/excited to see where life will soon take us. Only 1 day will tell. I am glad my husband is off and no one knows that we are testing tomorrow, so that is helpful and less stressful too. Tomorrow my life will change forever....one way or another.

waiting is hard

So it has been a few days since the transfer occurred. I was able to have the weekend off from work and relax out in the beautiful sun.  I must say every little twinge or cramp or queasy feeling, makes me wonder. I think that can make one go crazy! I am trying to push those thoughts away and not worry about it. That is hard and think it will get harder as the next 2 weeks go. I just try to pray when I feel the fear start to creep up. Oh and I am doing this round different. I am talking like they are there and I am pregnant. I talk to them daily and sometimes more. I know that may sound crazy but think at this point we all are a little anyway ;) Positive attitude has to help too!