life goes on

And so it has been a while since I have been on here. I must say life does continue to go on. As time does, it by no means makes the feeling of wanting a child go away. I still would love to have a child of my own. I would love to adopt a child from another country. We have so much to over that child. I have done a little bit of looking into it but my husband is not there. I continue to pray that he will change his mind and his heart will soften to the idea but do not believe that will happen. I realize only God can do that. My nagging to him will only push him the other direction. I have continued to spoil and spend time with my nieces and nephews and it is nice to get my 'kid fix' and then give them back. It is not the same but does help at times. I do long to one day hold my very own child in my arms and have a little one call me mommy. I know that God has plans for me and and trying to be patient to see what those plans are. They may not include something that I want and am trying to learn to accept that. I have put some of my focus elsewhere and am working out and living life with friends and family. It is nice to not always be sad and angry. This year I will continue to pray for the hope to adopt and my husband to see the gift we can be to a child. Hope your new year gives blessings to you, whatever they may be.

moms day pic

mothers day 2014

Today is yet another mothers day. This year, well about a month ago, I finally let all know what Mark and I went through. It was actually nice and found people to be very supportive. So I thought I would try to remind people what it is like for those of us on this day. I found the link below about a letter to a pastor about how non mothers feel on mothers day. I liked it and thought would share with you. I do know the feelings in this letter. I do not like to go and sit in service because it is hard to hear all about it when deep down I still want to be a mommy. I still want a child of my own. This is not something my husband wants which makes it a little hard for me. I have spent many months pushing these aside and trying to change them but it is not changing. Anyway, I hope you find this link enlightening. 


http://timewarpwife.com/?p=3120

love my niece and nephew

So a few times in the last 2 weeks, my niece and nephew have made some comments about Mark and I not having children. My niece (4 yrs old) asked me about it and I said something along the lines as God has decided it is not what He wants for us. She said maybe it would change someday and if so, I would have to stop working so much. I laughed and said we would just take the baby to her house for her mom to watch it...and she did not find that funny. I told her instead I have her and her brother and sister to love and spoil. She just smiled. Then made a comment about her maybe coming to live with me when she gets older. The yesterday my nephew and her were talking about it. Honestly it does not bother me. I do like to hear what they think in their little heads about it and likely have heard it from adults around them. I just like listening to the innocence of it. I know my mom tried to protect me with Evan but I wanted to hear his insight. They are cute. Maybe it is ok now as it has been almost a year since we stopped. I am still not looking to mothers day...which is 2 weeks away or so. That day will be hard for a while. Praying for strength for us all.

sometime life is unfair

Today I found out someone close to me miscarried. Let me give you a little background, she has been going through infertility treatments for sometime, so I know what she has gone through and is going through. When she called to tell me she was pregnant, I was so happy for them, that she did get pregnant. I do not want her to have to end up like Mark and I. I did shed tears when she told me, but not for them. There is always a sadness that is inside for my loss. I really really was happy for them. Then to find out she miscarried, my heart breaks. It brings back the frustration of watching others who do not want children get pregnant and then have abortions, or those who have kids and can't take care of them. I am glad to know they are at least able to get pregnant and if they did once, they can do it again but know the healing will take time. I do not know what it is like to actually be pregnant and then loose a child, but I do know what it is like to do IVF and it not attach. I know they are not the same but hoping my similar experience can help her through. I know there is nothing to say to make it better.

strength

I saw this and thought this represents me and probably many others going through infertility. I love it! I know not many knew while we were going through and many are finding out now. Often people do not realize the pain and heartache we deal with but in the end I think I am better because of it. We are strong women!

what am I to do

Today I was sitting in church by myself, Mark was on shift. I kept seeing all these women come in pregnant or with young children. It started to make me a little sad. Yes I still have these moments. Then I thought to last night. We met up with a long time friend of marks I have seen 5 times now in the 10 years we have been together. His children were there who I have met once before but they do not remember as they were much younger. Anyway I find myself drawn to them and talk to them and include them in our conversation. Almost like they know me and have seen them many times before. They are 3rd grade and 8th. It is funny because the youngest, a girl and I ended up playing games on our place mats. I got in the car and find it funny how easy it is for me to get along with these kids and almost how much as ease/comfort I think I made them feel. The funny part is, I think this is my 'gift'. Kids really do like me and I find they are attracted to me. I hope that does not sound weird because I do not mean it other than they seem drawn to me. I teared up again at church thinking about this because if that is my 'gift' I am not sure how I am to be using this. I would like my own to use it on, but do no think that is what God has planned for me. So I am praying he will show me what I am to be using it for. It does hurt my heart but trying to remember to trust Him.

new year

I have been writing this blog for a year now, even though the process has been far longer than that. I have spelled out the whole process we have been through when battling with infertility. There has been  some ups and many downs during the time. I want to be able to someday have a year that has been the best in my life but have not been able to say that. Honestly I am not sure what would make something the best year. I have had some good times this year...vacations, family times etc but have had some very low times this year as well. In some ways, I am glad it is over and have been moving on because I am tired of focusing on infertility and tired of being sad. I have been changing over the last few months and moving toward my 'new self and new couple' free of children. I am anxious to see where life will take Mark and I this year.

i did it!

Well we went over to our good friends house and meet their little girl. We took dinner and hung out while the baby slept in the beginning. After dinner she woke for her 'dinner' and was fed. Then we all went downstairs to hang out. I thought it went really well. My friend did not pressure or even ask if I wanted to hold her. That gave me some time to observe from afar. Eventually I did say something about holding her and did so for at least an hour. I was somewhat reserved and did not play much with the cute little toes and fingers and looked at her occasionally but did not have any feelings of sadness or anything. Honestly, I really thought it went great. I know this may sound weird. I left there glad we hung out and glad we had the opportunity to do so. I was slightly surprised at how good I felt and the lack of sadness. I think I have really come almost full circle and a long way during this healing process. I was/am proud of myself. Don't get me wrong, there are always feelings of loss and sadness deep down but I am able to deal with them better. My heart is healing!

new babies

Well two of my friends had their babies this week...one of which is a good friend. I am so excited for them both...and honestly I really mean it. I was going to try to stop and see the one, but I just did not know how I would do. As for my close friend, I am looking forward to seeing her and the baby but think it may be easier to do so once they get home. I am not sure I am able to walk and see all the babies. I do love these women and know they will make great parents. I would do anything for them and trying to sort through the feelings that are creeping up and not show it too much. I am slightly anxious to how it will be to hold the baby...both of which are girls. I think my close friend will not put pressure on me to do so. She has been really good throughout her pregnancy, only talking about it when I asked. Mark and I will be at least stopping by this week so we will see how it goes. I am good when I think of things matter of fact but not so easy when the mother instinct creeps in. I know there will be some sadness in my heart for myself but only for the loss of what I do not/will not have. Praying God will give me strength.

holidays

We are into the holiday season. Things are going pretty good. At times when we go to functions and there are lots of kids, I think there is no way I want to have to worry about bring around this many children. I actually like being a care free adult able to have a glass of wine or a drink with no worries. I love being able to attend adult parties during this time of the year. I love being able to buy gifts for my nieces and nephews. However at other times, I think it would be fun to take a vacation with no kids to amazing place and just hang with my husband and even another couple with no children. I have had people I know do this because there can be so much of a focus on children these times of the year. Luckily, well last year anyway, my family did not do this which made it easier. I think this is partly because my brother is dealing with this too. I am looking forward to work parties, friend parties and just time relaxing with hubby and close family.

friends

I had thought I wrote something about this in the past but can not see that I did so...I am going to do so now. I had several friends become pregnant during  my IVF treatments. Some much closer than other. I have a close friend who became pregnant around the time of my last IVF. They all knew how difficult the situation was for me. However I have had two different ways people  handled it. I am going to explain as to hopefully help those who know someone going through as to not hurt them. One of my really good friends called me on the phone and let me know. I know she was nervous and maybe even did not want to do it and even said that. I really appreciated her letting me know and acknowledge the feelings it may cause to me. Yes there were tears from me but I was/am very happy for them. I am just sad for my self. I think that is the best way to handle the situation. I recently had a different approach. This was from someone who knew a lot of the feelings I had  while dealing with infertility and opened up with her, well in a group really. She elected at this point to not tell me, despite the fact that she is now showing. I am sure she is not sure how to handle it but this is NOT the way. It actually makes me feel even more disappointed and upset about the fact that she does not tell me. She may think that is her way of not making me upset but trust me, ignoring it and me is not. My advise is to be upfront but say it in a non bragging way and acknowledge the feelings it may cause. Be okay if she cries and maybe even cry with her. She is not mad at your, she is crying for her loss.

another baby shower

We I went to another good friend of mines baby shower. This person has been through the whole infertility process with me, meaning she was there to listen and support me through it. It was bittersweet when I found out she was pregnant but I am happy for them. The shower was cute and went with another friend of mine, which was nice. They did it a little different in that you drop in, eat visit and leave and done with couples. My hubby was working so he did not go. I did well as it and truly able to be happy for them. Her husband surprised her with a video of photos he made. It was cute and she loved it. I could not watch the whole thing. I think mostly it is because I would love to see my belly grow and feel a baby move and this is all things I will not have happen. I did get a little sad later about it all. I have said before I do not think it will ever go away. I will always have that. It is hard to sit in a room and have 3 or 4 of the women pregnant with their first or even third. I wonder if they even realize how lucky and blessed they are...I wish they would.

confirming my emotion

Today we came back from a weekend away together. We had a good time. I had made a PCP appt for the day we came back so I did not have to take off work to go another day. It was just a yearly check up. Anyway, I have known my dr for a while and we always got along well together. I do like her. We got to talking about labs I had done recently and told her the last I had were during infertility. Well here to find out she had been in the same spot years ago. They could not have kids either. I asked her if they ever consider adoption. It was crazy because she said some of the same things they had to think about that we...or maybe I...have to think about. She works alot and her husband would have to care for the child more that normally. This is the same for us. They decided not to to adopt. I asked her if that was hard or still is. She said it is at time and probably always will be.  I often feel the same way. It made me cry a little and I felt bad for crying and she felt bad for "making me" although she didn't make me. I very grateful for her openness to talk about it all with me. It was nice to hear her feelings being the same. I do fear/know it will never go away...only placed further in the back and at times will creep up. I am thankful God has placed people like that  to help me along the way.

finally called

Well I finally called the other day to the dr office. I explained that we no longer wanted to proceed with any further treatment. I explained that we didnt realize that we had any sperm left but did not want them. It was a difficult decision to make and even harder to finally do. They were understanding and emailed a form for mark to sign. He then signed had it notarized and faxed back...sad day. I know that we are done but it is just another final thing done to complete close this chapter.

month of prayer

A day or so after the baby shower I brought up an idea to the hubby. We decided (well maybe mark agreed) that for the next month we would each pray about what God wanted us to do regarding children. We are to keep an open mind and heart to try and really hear what he says. Then after the month is up, we will sit back down and talk about. As of now I still have this want for a child, most of the time. So I need to either move on completely or start looking at adoption. A few days after we decided this, I met a lady who is half owner of an orphanage in Ethiopia. Interesting. I have been praying for God to just yell it to us and put what ever he wants right in our face....

baby shower

It has been a while since I have been on. I guess in some ways that is good. I have been healing. I have been trying to find my happiness in my current life. I did go to my first baby shower in several years. Actually I was not even nervous. I did not buy the gift, just went in on a large gift with others. I think that helped. Also I went with friends and some of which do not have children either so the focus at our table was not on kids. It was nice. There was only 1 bad part per say. They decided to draw names and when your name was drawn you had to give parenting advise to the mommy to be. I started to fret a little. Unsure if I could hold in my emotions. I just started praying, please do not pick my name. I did start to think though what if they did. Luckily they did not. However if they had, my plan was to say "look at your child every day and remember they are are blessing and gift from God".  So the event ended and I was proud of myself for going and doing well. I can do this!

final closure

I opened the mail a few days ago and found a bill from reproductive office. I was surprised to see it and looked into it a little more and saw they were charging us for the next year of sperm freezing. I was wondering if we had any left but had not heard anything so figured we used it all. I guess I was wrong. It is somewhat of a heart ache of what to do. I had to bring this up to Mark. I know we said we are all done but then what do we do with the frozen sperm. A part of me thinks, do we just use what is left with IUI  - they are cheap and easy be done with it. Mark brought up donating them, but I can't do that. Maybe I am selfish but I do not want to wonder if we/he has a child around that we can not have. Too hard. If we just kept them frozen, then my next question is why, if we have no plans on using them. Either we use them or discard them. Mark does not think there is a question about keeping them, as we said they are done and I know that but in my heart it is the final closure to this process and makes it a little more difficult.

innocence

Today we were sitting at church with a few little babies in front of us. One of the little kids that call be 'aunt' leaned over and asked me when I was going to have a baby. The innocence in her question. It brought a little tears to my eyes but not enough for her to realize. I answered that I am not able. She asked why. How do you answer that to a little girl who thinks women get married and have babies. I said that God does not have that planned for my life right now. With a look of not quite content on her face I added, instead He gives me lots of little niece and nephews to love - like you. She seemed to accept that answer, smiled and moved on. It did make me think about it. I was proud of my self for handling the question well with minimal tears. I by no means was upset with her asking. It seems that the healing continues. Mark and I had a good discussion about adoption the other day. I thought it went well and even though neither have changed their mind I was glad we had it.

bittersweet

Today I ran into a friend, that I am just starting to get to know. Anyway he was out eating lunch and for some reason felt the need to stop and chat. I really did 't have time as I needed to go to the other hospital to round but did anyway. We started chatting and one topic lead to another and got on adoption. I knew he and his wife had went through infertility and he knew mark and i were - thanks to my dad :). We chatted a bit and he told me about how they came to the conclusion to finally do it. He also talked about how his wife wasn't really keen on the idea initially. They seemed to have off and on talks about it and finally his wife did come around to the idea and they adopted a child internationally. It was a long process but worked out for them. It was good to hear some of a mans opinion on it all. It was also nice to see the struggles were very similar and they themselves are similar to mark and I. They did all kinds of traveling before they did finally adopt. They come from a religious background as well. It did give me hope that maybe in the end of all this heartache there is a happy ending....somewhere....sometime.