time

Have been keeping busy lately. I think it is good because it keeps my mind off things and focused on others. I have been planning a big easter egg hunt for our church. Tomorrow is the big day for that. It is funny because I like doing this and people often find it odd because I do this and do not have children but to me, it is great to see the smiles on all of their faces. I really do not focus on that I do not have a child to attend but that I have many that will be there. I am hoping it all goes well. The weather is going to be great for it. Hope you all can enjoy your family this easter weekend. Remember to be blessed for what you do have around you!

find peace

I started reading a book about finding peace with childlessness. I thought this may help to bring the joy back to my life. Some parts did not really apply to me but there have been a few good points. Talked about protecting your marriage and looking at adoption (which at this point we are not interested in). Also helped me to look at 1 area that touched me the most. That is other children. I may have said some of this earlier but thats ok. I have heard it takes a village to raise a child. Often times, we are to focused on ourselves to remember that. I may not have children but I have MANY around me that do and many children that love me. I want to change my focus from trying to have a baby to helping 'raise' those around me. My hubby and I have a lot to offer any child. We are well traveled, can be patient (LOL), loving and caring. We often have times that others do not. God has put these children in our lives and us in theirs for us to learn from each other. I hope to be the person these kids can come to with anything and someone outside of the family (but still an adult) they can trust. I am going to try to embrace this role. Maybe it will help to heal my heart as well.

and so we go on

It has now been a little bit since the 2nd failed IVF. Some days are hard. I still get sad when I think about it. I know at this point, we are ready for a break. We both need to get back to being happy and enjoy each other. We need to change our focus back onto our marriage and finding joy again. I am not sure how ling this will be, but for now that is our plan. Honestly, I think we are both looking forward to this. A time without all those extra hormones. It is bitter sweet but going to try to make the best of it.

footprints

I am trying to use this to remember that He is walking through this with us at all times!

aftermath

The next few days did not get any easier. Everywhere I turned, there was a reminder of what it would be like to have a baby. I just keep thinking about us not having one. On the outside I an holding it together (I think) but on the inside my heart still hurts and is crumbling. I do not know how else to explain it. It truly sucks! I do not was to be around anyone. I just want to cry. I sent a few prayer requests to a couple of different groups on line. Not only did I ask for a baby but also to help us find comfort in where God may have us going. It is a very difficult journey. I just want to be happy again. I want to be my old self. I want to find the joy in my life again. A part of me does not know if I can do this again. The other part is not ready to completely shut the door. We do have enough for one more transfer but just not thinking it will be any time soon.

failed #2

The day prior to my blood draw, I went for a walk and just cried. It was me and Spanky. I asked God to please just give us a baby. I continued to talk and tried to listen throughout the walk, but God had a friend call and chat for a few. Seemed to help relieve some anxiety. Surprisingly the next morning, I work up with a sort of peace despite dreaming the night before I wasn't pregnant. I went for my blood draw that morning. I worked all day and was somewhat glad to have some distraction. It was a long wait for the results. I kept waiting and waiting. Finally on the way home they called....NEGATIVE! Again! I got off the phone and just cried. How could this happen again? I didn't call the hubby on the way home, instead just walked in the door and started crying again. We just sat on the couch and hugged each other. Now there is a total of 5 babies we have in heaven. I know in my mind that God has a plan for us and it is bigger and better than ours, but my heart still hurt. I was relieved to know that my husband was upset too. It was a rough night.

wait is almost over

Several days after the transfer I started to feel a little sick. My belly felt nauseous. I was a little dizzy at times. This may sound crazy but I was kind of happy. I tried not to read into it too much because I didn't want to get a let down in the end. After a few days, I have gone back to feeling normal. Now this makes me nervous. I wanted to feel sick. I wanted to pretend it was morning sickness. I began to take it out on my husband. This is not fair to him but I am just not dealing with this well.
I hate this fear of the unknown. Ready for it to be over! soon!