1 year

It has roughly been 1 year since we started the IVF process. It has been a very cray year and many ups and down. As I look back, I can't believe it has been that long. In some ways I wish we would not have done it but in others, it has changed both my husband and I. We are still healing every day and think it will continue to occur but we are definitely closer to each other. Somedays are still hard and there are still tears that just sneak up.  I do not know where life will take us and my heart still longs (most of the time) for a child of our own but we are learning to try to be content with where we are.

anut/uncle day

Did you know that July 26th is aunt/uncle day? Well it is. It is nice to be celebrate a day like this while going through/dealing with infertility. I never knew this day existed until last year. It actually slipped my mind this year until I received a phone call from my two fav niece and nephew. They called and wished me happy aunts day. I am so blessed that my brother and sister and law remember that. It really does mean alot to me. I know it is not as big of deal as mothers and fathers day but still good to be remembers. So if you know someone in your family that is in my shoes, remember this day and remember them. It will make them feel special.

strength

get away

So we had a little get away and enjoyed life with zip lining - which was awesome! We also just hung out and spent time together which is one of my fav things to do. We went to a different church sunday - just because of our mini vacation and heard a guys story of how he let God work through him and reestablished his relationship with his ex-wife (now wife again) by listening to Him. He felt God telling him to contact her and so asked God for a few things in order for it to happen. Make a long story short, he got all those things and they ended up getting back together and so on. It made me think about our infertility. I am not sure if God wants us to have a baby. We have tried to work with medical treatment and no success. I am drained emotionally. I am still having somewhat of a hard time deep inside dealing with it. So I decided to try to change it up a little and if God wants us to have one, He will give us one. Whether it is by us getting pregnant on our own or one somehow falling into our lap. This is somewhat hard to just let go but hoping it will in the end make me happier person not trying to control it. Let the praying continue.

Being joyful

I have had several patients (50's) or so recently that have been diagnosed with different cancers. Then today found out a colleague had serious medical condition (treatable) suddenly diagnosed. It has confirmed to me life is truly fragile. I  think sometimes we forget this. We have been so focused on what the next step was in the process and what we were going to do from here. This easily happens and often forget the reality of life. I have been down and sad about what I do not have and forget to be happy my parents are still here to help us through this. I have been so focused on the future and have missed little things that are happening now. I am taking today and going to try to remember to be content with where we are. To live life to the fullest. One friend just reminded me to also tell those around you, your feelings. You never know what tomorrow or next week might bring. So in two days - we are going zip lining!

seriously

So it has been at least a month. I thought I was doing pretty good but for some crazy reason, the last couple days I have been moody, easily agitated etc...I feel bad for my hubby. I did apologize but can feel when I am getting kind of pissy. This afternoon I was just chatting with him on the phone and started crying out of no where. I am not really sure completely why. I know I am not 'myself' but at this point, I am not really sure who 'myself' really is. I do not like feeling this way. I am hoping to get back to my 'happy self' but who knows.
On a side note, the race went well with my nephew. He did great for 5 yrs old. I am already looking for the next one to run. We had a good time. It is nice to find something the two of us can do together.

running

Have been running some and must say it is a nice change to focus on trying to be healthy and feel good with myself. I actually have a 2 mile race I am running with my nephew tomorrow and am looking forward to it. It has helped keep my mind focused. I have been able to speak about it a little when people have asked. I think it has helped to be open and straight forward when having the discussion. Some time there are tears that come but not as frequent. I still can not be around babies, it just breaks my heart too much. I do have a good friend that is pregnant and feel bad that I do not ask her about it or inquire how things are going. It just hurts. I am very happy for them but sad for us. I finally told her that and with lots of tears but feel relieved that she know deep down I do care and would be there for her if she needs anything. She knows all we have been through and am blessed that she understands and knows that is how I feel.