new year

I have been writing this blog for a year now, even though the process has been far longer than that. I have spelled out the whole process we have been through when battling with infertility. There has been  some ups and many downs during the time. I want to be able to someday have a year that has been the best in my life but have not been able to say that. Honestly I am not sure what would make something the best year. I have had some good times this year...vacations, family times etc but have had some very low times this year as well. In some ways, I am glad it is over and have been moving on because I am tired of focusing on infertility and tired of being sad. I have been changing over the last few months and moving toward my 'new self and new couple' free of children. I am anxious to see where life will take Mark and I this year.

i did it!

Well we went over to our good friends house and meet their little girl. We took dinner and hung out while the baby slept in the beginning. After dinner she woke for her 'dinner' and was fed. Then we all went downstairs to hang out. I thought it went really well. My friend did not pressure or even ask if I wanted to hold her. That gave me some time to observe from afar. Eventually I did say something about holding her and did so for at least an hour. I was somewhat reserved and did not play much with the cute little toes and fingers and looked at her occasionally but did not have any feelings of sadness or anything. Honestly, I really thought it went great. I know this may sound weird. I left there glad we hung out and glad we had the opportunity to do so. I was slightly surprised at how good I felt and the lack of sadness. I think I have really come almost full circle and a long way during this healing process. I was/am proud of myself. Don't get me wrong, there are always feelings of loss and sadness deep down but I am able to deal with them better. My heart is healing!

new babies

Well two of my friends had their babies this week...one of which is a good friend. I am so excited for them both...and honestly I really mean it. I was going to try to stop and see the one, but I just did not know how I would do. As for my close friend, I am looking forward to seeing her and the baby but think it may be easier to do so once they get home. I am not sure I am able to walk and see all the babies. I do love these women and know they will make great parents. I would do anything for them and trying to sort through the feelings that are creeping up and not show it too much. I am slightly anxious to how it will be to hold the baby...both of which are girls. I think my close friend will not put pressure on me to do so. She has been really good throughout her pregnancy, only talking about it when I asked. Mark and I will be at least stopping by this week so we will see how it goes. I am good when I think of things matter of fact but not so easy when the mother instinct creeps in. I know there will be some sadness in my heart for myself but only for the loss of what I do not/will not have. Praying God will give me strength.

holidays

We are into the holiday season. Things are going pretty good. At times when we go to functions and there are lots of kids, I think there is no way I want to have to worry about bring around this many children. I actually like being a care free adult able to have a glass of wine or a drink with no worries. I love being able to attend adult parties during this time of the year. I love being able to buy gifts for my nieces and nephews. However at other times, I think it would be fun to take a vacation with no kids to amazing place and just hang with my husband and even another couple with no children. I have had people I know do this because there can be so much of a focus on children these times of the year. Luckily, well last year anyway, my family did not do this which made it easier. I think this is partly because my brother is dealing with this too. I am looking forward to work parties, friend parties and just time relaxing with hubby and close family.

friends

I had thought I wrote something about this in the past but can not see that I did so...I am going to do so now. I had several friends become pregnant during  my IVF treatments. Some much closer than other. I have a close friend who became pregnant around the time of my last IVF. They all knew how difficult the situation was for me. However I have had two different ways people  handled it. I am going to explain as to hopefully help those who know someone going through as to not hurt them. One of my really good friends called me on the phone and let me know. I know she was nervous and maybe even did not want to do it and even said that. I really appreciated her letting me know and acknowledge the feelings it may cause to me. Yes there were tears from me but I was/am very happy for them. I am just sad for my self. I think that is the best way to handle the situation. I recently had a different approach. This was from someone who knew a lot of the feelings I had  while dealing with infertility and opened up with her, well in a group really. She elected at this point to not tell me, despite the fact that she is now showing. I am sure she is not sure how to handle it but this is NOT the way. It actually makes me feel even more disappointed and upset about the fact that she does not tell me. She may think that is her way of not making me upset but trust me, ignoring it and me is not. My advise is to be upfront but say it in a non bragging way and acknowledge the feelings it may cause. Be okay if she cries and maybe even cry with her. She is not mad at your, she is crying for her loss.

another baby shower

We I went to another good friend of mines baby shower. This person has been through the whole infertility process with me, meaning she was there to listen and support me through it. It was bittersweet when I found out she was pregnant but I am happy for them. The shower was cute and went with another friend of mine, which was nice. They did it a little different in that you drop in, eat visit and leave and done with couples. My hubby was working so he did not go. I did well as it and truly able to be happy for them. Her husband surprised her with a video of photos he made. It was cute and she loved it. I could not watch the whole thing. I think mostly it is because I would love to see my belly grow and feel a baby move and this is all things I will not have happen. I did get a little sad later about it all. I have said before I do not think it will ever go away. I will always have that. It is hard to sit in a room and have 3 or 4 of the women pregnant with their first or even third. I wonder if they even realize how lucky and blessed they are...I wish they would.

confirming my emotion

Today we came back from a weekend away together. We had a good time. I had made a PCP appt for the day we came back so I did not have to take off work to go another day. It was just a yearly check up. Anyway, I have known my dr for a while and we always got along well together. I do like her. We got to talking about labs I had done recently and told her the last I had were during infertility. Well here to find out she had been in the same spot years ago. They could not have kids either. I asked her if they ever consider adoption. It was crazy because she said some of the same things they had to think about that we...or maybe I...have to think about. She works alot and her husband would have to care for the child more that normally. This is the same for us. They decided not to to adopt. I asked her if that was hard or still is. She said it is at time and probably always will be.  I often feel the same way. It made me cry a little and I felt bad for crying and she felt bad for "making me" although she didn't make me. I very grateful for her openness to talk about it all with me. It was nice to hear her feelings being the same. I do fear/know it will never go away...only placed further in the back and at times will creep up. I am thankful God has placed people like that  to help me along the way.