baby shower

It has been a while since I have been on. I guess in some ways that is good. I have been healing. I have been trying to find my happiness in my current life. I did go to my first baby shower in several years. Actually I was not even nervous. I did not buy the gift, just went in on a large gift with others. I think that helped. Also I went with friends and some of which do not have children either so the focus at our table was not on kids. It was nice. There was only 1 bad part per say. They decided to draw names and when your name was drawn you had to give parenting advise to the mommy to be. I started to fret a little. Unsure if I could hold in my emotions. I just started praying, please do not pick my name. I did start to think though what if they did. Luckily they did not. However if they had, my plan was to say "look at your child every day and remember they are are blessing and gift from God".  So the event ended and I was proud of myself for going and doing well. I can do this!

final closure

I opened the mail a few days ago and found a bill from reproductive office. I was surprised to see it and looked into it a little more and saw they were charging us for the next year of sperm freezing. I was wondering if we had any left but had not heard anything so figured we used it all. I guess I was wrong. It is somewhat of a heart ache of what to do. I had to bring this up to Mark. I know we said we are all done but then what do we do with the frozen sperm. A part of me thinks, do we just use what is left with IUI  - they are cheap and easy be done with it. Mark brought up donating them, but I can't do that. Maybe I am selfish but I do not want to wonder if we/he has a child around that we can not have. Too hard. If we just kept them frozen, then my next question is why, if we have no plans on using them. Either we use them or discard them. Mark does not think there is a question about keeping them, as we said they are done and I know that but in my heart it is the final closure to this process and makes it a little more difficult.

innocence

Today we were sitting at church with a few little babies in front of us. One of the little kids that call be 'aunt' leaned over and asked me when I was going to have a baby. The innocence in her question. It brought a little tears to my eyes but not enough for her to realize. I answered that I am not able. She asked why. How do you answer that to a little girl who thinks women get married and have babies. I said that God does not have that planned for my life right now. With a look of not quite content on her face I added, instead He gives me lots of little niece and nephews to love - like you. She seemed to accept that answer, smiled and moved on. It did make me think about it. I was proud of my self for handling the question well with minimal tears. I by no means was upset with her asking. It seems that the healing continues. Mark and I had a good discussion about adoption the other day. I thought it went well and even though neither have changed their mind I was glad we had it.

bittersweet

Today I ran into a friend, that I am just starting to get to know. Anyway he was out eating lunch and for some reason felt the need to stop and chat. I really did 't have time as I needed to go to the other hospital to round but did anyway. We started chatting and one topic lead to another and got on adoption. I knew he and his wife had went through infertility and he knew mark and i were - thanks to my dad :). We chatted a bit and he told me about how they came to the conclusion to finally do it. He also talked about how his wife wasn't really keen on the idea initially. They seemed to have off and on talks about it and finally his wife did come around to the idea and they adopted a child internationally. It was a long process but worked out for them. It was good to hear some of a mans opinion on it all. It was also nice to see the struggles were very similar and they themselves are similar to mark and I. They did all kinds of traveling before they did finally adopt. They come from a religious background as well. It did give me hope that maybe in the end of all this heartache there is a happy ending....somewhere....sometime.

my prayer today

rough day

The last few days have been a little hard. I am not sure what is really triggering it. It seems like everyone around me is pregnant. I know that is not true but does seem to be a lot especially at work. It makes me happy for them but sad and wish it could be me. I know some of this is what I have previously said. I was watching an interview with Jimmy Fallon and he talked about him dealing with infertility. His wife and him decided to use a surrogate to have their baby and said even when looks like you can not go anymore do not give up hope. It makes me wonder if we should have done things differently. I am not saying I want to go back through IVF  but having hard time closing that chapter in my life. Last night I laid in bed and prayed that God either provide us a baby or take this yearning for one out of my heart. I an trying to be content but keep filling that want with vacations or buying things, but it is just not working. I only hope that things change in one of our hearts soon.

abused and neglected

Yesterday I was chatting with one of the docs I work with. We were talking about a place where children go who  are not doing well in foster care to regroup. These children are usually neglected or abused previously and range in age. It made me start to think about these kids. I told him a brief synapse of what mark and i have been doing this last year. He asked if we were interested in adopting. I am not sure this is for us. It is not something Mark seems interested in. However we briefly chatted about it. We feel bad for the children. They do not ask for that. They are stuck in homes with people who didn't care for them. They do need good parents to care and love for them, just not sure that is us. It would be a challenge for anyone and definitely need to both agree on doing it. It would need to be a joint commitment for anyone choosing to adopt or even foster. Something to really pray about.