friends

I had thought I wrote something about this in the past but can not see that I did so...I am going to do so now. I had several friends become pregnant during  my IVF treatments. Some much closer than other. I have a close friend who became pregnant around the time of my last IVF. They all knew how difficult the situation was for me. However I have had two different ways people  handled it. I am going to explain as to hopefully help those who know someone going through as to not hurt them. One of my really good friends called me on the phone and let me know. I know she was nervous and maybe even did not want to do it and even said that. I really appreciated her letting me know and acknowledge the feelings it may cause to me. Yes there were tears from me but I was/am very happy for them. I am just sad for my self. I think that is the best way to handle the situation. I recently had a different approach. This was from someone who knew a lot of the feelings I had  while dealing with infertility and opened up with her, well in a group really. She elected at this point to not tell me, despite the fact that she is now showing. I am sure she is not sure how to handle it but this is NOT the way. It actually makes me feel even more disappointed and upset about the fact that she does not tell me. She may think that is her way of not making me upset but trust me, ignoring it and me is not. My advise is to be upfront but say it in a non bragging way and acknowledge the feelings it may cause. Be okay if she cries and maybe even cry with her. She is not mad at your, she is crying for her loss.

another baby shower

We I went to another good friend of mines baby shower. This person has been through the whole infertility process with me, meaning she was there to listen and support me through it. It was bittersweet when I found out she was pregnant but I am happy for them. The shower was cute and went with another friend of mine, which was nice. They did it a little different in that you drop in, eat visit and leave and done with couples. My hubby was working so he did not go. I did well as it and truly able to be happy for them. Her husband surprised her with a video of photos he made. It was cute and she loved it. I could not watch the whole thing. I think mostly it is because I would love to see my belly grow and feel a baby move and this is all things I will not have happen. I did get a little sad later about it all. I have said before I do not think it will ever go away. I will always have that. It is hard to sit in a room and have 3 or 4 of the women pregnant with their first or even third. I wonder if they even realize how lucky and blessed they are...I wish they would.

confirming my emotion

Today we came back from a weekend away together. We had a good time. I had made a PCP appt for the day we came back so I did not have to take off work to go another day. It was just a yearly check up. Anyway, I have known my dr for a while and we always got along well together. I do like her. We got to talking about labs I had done recently and told her the last I had were during infertility. Well here to find out she had been in the same spot years ago. They could not have kids either. I asked her if they ever consider adoption. It was crazy because she said some of the same things they had to think about that we...or maybe I...have to think about. She works alot and her husband would have to care for the child more that normally. This is the same for us. They decided not to to adopt. I asked her if that was hard or still is. She said it is at time and probably always will be.  I often feel the same way. It made me cry a little and I felt bad for crying and she felt bad for "making me" although she didn't make me. I very grateful for her openness to talk about it all with me. It was nice to hear her feelings being the same. I do fear/know it will never go away...only placed further in the back and at times will creep up. I am thankful God has placed people like that  to help me along the way.

finally called

Well I finally called the other day to the dr office. I explained that we no longer wanted to proceed with any further treatment. I explained that we didnt realize that we had any sperm left but did not want them. It was a difficult decision to make and even harder to finally do. They were understanding and emailed a form for mark to sign. He then signed had it notarized and faxed back...sad day. I know that we are done but it is just another final thing done to complete close this chapter.