after a few days

A few days have passed since our last attempt failed. I think it is setting in more and honestly I woke up today and am fairly angry. It has been a rough day. I am going to vent and say things we (people in the same shoes) think. It is not fair to see these children in homes, or taken from homes where their parents do not care. It sucks to see all those teens who do not know how to care or may not want a child have babies. I get upset because here is a very capable couple who can financially afford and care and are married that want a baby and can't have one. We would have cute babies/kids. Some things do not make sense. I am aware that I am not to question why God does things but these thoughts still creep into my head at times. I try to push them out, but I know deep down we all wonder them at one time or another.  This is frustrating and part of my grieving process I need to work through. I HATE that we are here and having to deal with it!!! I HATE that I am not pregnant right now. I am a strong person but today it is getting to me and know this will not be the end of the tears. Somedays are easier than others.

3rd is over

We are officially done. The test was negative. The office called me around lunch so it was hard to finish seeing patients the of the day, I just wanted to go home to see Mark and cry. I felt sick all day and only ate 1/2 sandwich. It was a bad day! As soon as I saw him, I just cried. He is super supportive. He had flowers and a card waiting for me. He text me to tell me he loved me and we have each other. I am glad to have gone through this with him. A part of me is angry this time. Mark tells me not to be. I am not mad at a person, just that it didn't work. We spent LOTS of money and have nothing to show. Luckily mark is smarter than me and said he would have not traded it and is glad we did all the treatments. He would do it all over again. It is just hard knowing we will not have a kid of our own, or even one ever. I realize that this is not what God has planned for us, it just sucks when our plans are different than His. I do not know what He does have in store for us but I am hoping it is far better than I can imagine at this time in my life. I am not sure I am going to be able to talk about it for a while and almost just want spend time with just the two of us. I don't want to talk about it. I need to sort through my feelings. I am thankful for a husband who has dealt with all my crazy emotions and still loves me. I will say this...I hope others do not have to go through the amount of heartbreak we did. It has changed our lives and who we are forever!

test is tomorrow

Our last blood test is tomorrow.  I could look at lots of symptoms I have and think these could be signs of early pregnancy but then again, they could be from the progesterone.  I have not been feeling good...just full and nauseated. I am trying to think positive and actually feeling pretty calm. I think that is good. I am anxious/excited to see where life will soon take us. Only 1 day will tell. I am glad my husband is off and no one knows that we are testing tomorrow, so that is helpful and less stressful too. Tomorrow my life will change forever....one way or another.

waiting is hard

So it has been a few days since the transfer occurred. I was able to have the weekend off from work and relax out in the beautiful sun.  I must say every little twinge or cramp or queasy feeling, makes me wonder. I think that can make one go crazy! I am trying to push those thoughts away and not worry about it. That is hard and think it will get harder as the next 2 weeks go. I just try to pray when I feel the fear start to creep up. Oh and I am doing this round different. I am talking like they are there and I am pregnant. I talk to them daily and sometimes more. I know that may sound crazy but think at this point we all are a little anyway ;) Positive attitude has to help too!

last transfer

Third time is a charm! We went this am and both little 'babies' are growing and look pretty good. Could be a little better but that is ok. We will take it. My uterus was not so cooperative this am but did get them in and was so cool to see them appear on the ultrasound. We even got a pic - the first of many ultrasounds to follow :)  That is what I told them anyway. Before we started I told Dr M how thankful I am of her regardless of what happens and how much we Love her. I teared up some but just in case I don't see her, I wanted her to know. We got home and Spanky and I have been laying on the couch. Hoping to lay out in the sun some too. I do feel a little crampy today, not sure I remember that from before. Will see how things go. Can only pray and do have some amazing and many friends and family that are doing that. We are truly blessed with the support we have.

day before

So it is the day before the last transfer. I had another acupuncture today, last for about 10-12 days. I am a little anxious but excited as well. I am somewhat surprised that I am excited because we kept putting it off for fear of dealing with the emotions. I do think the acupuncture has helped to relax me. Dr M is happy with the lining which is good, but know that doesn't guarantee anything. I have really been trying to stay positive about this round. I am trying to push the worries and anxieties away and let God take care of them. That is what He wants us to do.

watching others

I have found the last few days a little more difficult. I have watched those who were pregnant around or within a month of our first IVF have their babies. I am seeing pics all over and a part of me is upset because that means ours would be about a month old by now. I am glad it has worked for them but sometimes feels like a stab in the heart because I want that me be us. I know this is part of the healing process and I need to deal with this on my own. Some days are just harder than others. I hate the feeling of jealousy because we are not to want and be jealous of others. I am trying to push those feeling away but just being honest for others who may have the same feelings.