i did it!

Well we went over to our good friends house and meet their little girl. We took dinner and hung out while the baby slept in the beginning. After dinner she woke for her 'dinner' and was fed. Then we all went downstairs to hang out. I thought it went really well. My friend did not pressure or even ask if I wanted to hold her. That gave me some time to observe from afar. Eventually I did say something about holding her and did so for at least an hour. I was somewhat reserved and did not play much with the cute little toes and fingers and looked at her occasionally but did not have any feelings of sadness or anything. Honestly, I really thought it went great. I know this may sound weird. I left there glad we hung out and glad we had the opportunity to do so. I was slightly surprised at how good I felt and the lack of sadness. I think I have really come almost full circle and a long way during this healing process. I was/am proud of myself. Don't get me wrong, there are always feelings of loss and sadness deep down but I am able to deal with them better. My heart is healing!

new babies

Well two of my friends had their babies this week...one of which is a good friend. I am so excited for them both...and honestly I really mean it. I was going to try to stop and see the one, but I just did not know how I would do. As for my close friend, I am looking forward to seeing her and the baby but think it may be easier to do so once they get home. I am not sure I am able to walk and see all the babies. I do love these women and know they will make great parents. I would do anything for them and trying to sort through the feelings that are creeping up and not show it too much. I am slightly anxious to how it will be to hold the baby...both of which are girls. I think my close friend will not put pressure on me to do so. She has been really good throughout her pregnancy, only talking about it when I asked. Mark and I will be at least stopping by this week so we will see how it goes. I am good when I think of things matter of fact but not so easy when the mother instinct creeps in. I know there will be some sadness in my heart for myself but only for the loss of what I do not/will not have. Praying God will give me strength.

holidays

We are into the holiday season. Things are going pretty good. At times when we go to functions and there are lots of kids, I think there is no way I want to have to worry about bring around this many children. I actually like being a care free adult able to have a glass of wine or a drink with no worries. I love being able to attend adult parties during this time of the year. I love being able to buy gifts for my nieces and nephews. However at other times, I think it would be fun to take a vacation with no kids to amazing place and just hang with my husband and even another couple with no children. I have had people I know do this because there can be so much of a focus on children these times of the year. Luckily, well last year anyway, my family did not do this which made it easier. I think this is partly because my brother is dealing with this too. I am looking forward to work parties, friend parties and just time relaxing with hubby and close family.