final closure

I opened the mail a few days ago and found a bill from reproductive office. I was surprised to see it and looked into it a little more and saw they were charging us for the next year of sperm freezing. I was wondering if we had any left but had not heard anything so figured we used it all. I guess I was wrong. It is somewhat of a heart ache of what to do. I had to bring this up to Mark. I know we said we are all done but then what do we do with the frozen sperm. A part of me thinks, do we just use what is left with IUI  - they are cheap and easy be done with it. Mark brought up donating them, but I can't do that. Maybe I am selfish but I do not want to wonder if we/he has a child around that we can not have. Too hard. If we just kept them frozen, then my next question is why, if we have no plans on using them. Either we use them or discard them. Mark does not think there is a question about keeping them, as we said they are done and I know that but in my heart it is the final closure to this process and makes it a little more difficult.

innocence

Today we were sitting at church with a few little babies in front of us. One of the little kids that call be 'aunt' leaned over and asked me when I was going to have a baby. The innocence in her question. It brought a little tears to my eyes but not enough for her to realize. I answered that I am not able. She asked why. How do you answer that to a little girl who thinks women get married and have babies. I said that God does not have that planned for my life right now. With a look of not quite content on her face I added, instead He gives me lots of little niece and nephews to love - like you. She seemed to accept that answer, smiled and moved on. It did make me think about it. I was proud of my self for handling the question well with minimal tears. I by no means was upset with her asking. It seems that the healing continues. Mark and I had a good discussion about adoption the other day. I thought it went well and even though neither have changed their mind I was glad we had it.