life goes on

And so it has been a while since I have been on here. I must say life does continue to go on. As time does, it by no means makes the feeling of wanting a child go away. I still would love to have a child of my own. I would love to adopt a child from another country. We have so much to over that child. I have done a little bit of looking into it but my husband is not there. I continue to pray that he will change his mind and his heart will soften to the idea but do not believe that will happen. I realize only God can do that. My nagging to him will only push him the other direction. I have continued to spoil and spend time with my nieces and nephews and it is nice to get my 'kid fix' and then give them back. It is not the same but does help at times. I do long to one day hold my very own child in my arms and have a little one call me mommy. I know that God has plans for me and and trying to be patient to see what those plans are. They may not include something that I want and am trying to learn to accept that. I have put some of my focus elsewhere and am working out and living life with friends and family. It is nice to not always be sad and angry. This year I will continue to pray for the hope to adopt and my husband to see the gift we can be to a child. Hope your new year gives blessings to you, whatever they may be.

moms day pic

mothers day 2014

Today is yet another mothers day. This year, well about a month ago, I finally let all know what Mark and I went through. It was actually nice and found people to be very supportive. So I thought I would try to remind people what it is like for those of us on this day. I found the link below about a letter to a pastor about how non mothers feel on mothers day. I liked it and thought would share with you. I do know the feelings in this letter. I do not like to go and sit in service because it is hard to hear all about it when deep down I still want to be a mommy. I still want a child of my own. This is not something my husband wants which makes it a little hard for me. I have spent many months pushing these aside and trying to change them but it is not changing. Anyway, I hope you find this link enlightening. 


http://timewarpwife.com/?p=3120

love my niece and nephew

So a few times in the last 2 weeks, my niece and nephew have made some comments about Mark and I not having children. My niece (4 yrs old) asked me about it and I said something along the lines as God has decided it is not what He wants for us. She said maybe it would change someday and if so, I would have to stop working so much. I laughed and said we would just take the baby to her house for her mom to watch it...and she did not find that funny. I told her instead I have her and her brother and sister to love and spoil. She just smiled. Then made a comment about her maybe coming to live with me when she gets older. The yesterday my nephew and her were talking about it. Honestly it does not bother me. I do like to hear what they think in their little heads about it and likely have heard it from adults around them. I just like listening to the innocence of it. I know my mom tried to protect me with Evan but I wanted to hear his insight. They are cute. Maybe it is ok now as it has been almost a year since we stopped. I am still not looking to mothers day...which is 2 weeks away or so. That day will be hard for a while. Praying for strength for us all.

sometime life is unfair

Today I found out someone close to me miscarried. Let me give you a little background, she has been going through infertility treatments for sometime, so I know what she has gone through and is going through. When she called to tell me she was pregnant, I was so happy for them, that she did get pregnant. I do not want her to have to end up like Mark and I. I did shed tears when she told me, but not for them. There is always a sadness that is inside for my loss. I really really was happy for them. Then to find out she miscarried, my heart breaks. It brings back the frustration of watching others who do not want children get pregnant and then have abortions, or those who have kids and can't take care of them. I am glad to know they are at least able to get pregnant and if they did once, they can do it again but know the healing will take time. I do not know what it is like to actually be pregnant and then loose a child, but I do know what it is like to do IVF and it not attach. I know they are not the same but hoping my similar experience can help her through. I know there is nothing to say to make it better.

strength

I saw this and thought this represents me and probably many others going through infertility. I love it! I know not many knew while we were going through and many are finding out now. Often people do not realize the pain and heartache we deal with but in the end I think I am better because of it. We are strong women!

what am I to do

Today I was sitting in church by myself, Mark was on shift. I kept seeing all these women come in pregnant or with young children. It started to make me a little sad. Yes I still have these moments. Then I thought to last night. We met up with a long time friend of marks I have seen 5 times now in the 10 years we have been together. His children were there who I have met once before but they do not remember as they were much younger. Anyway I find myself drawn to them and talk to them and include them in our conversation. Almost like they know me and have seen them many times before. They are 3rd grade and 8th. It is funny because the youngest, a girl and I ended up playing games on our place mats. I got in the car and find it funny how easy it is for me to get along with these kids and almost how much as ease/comfort I think I made them feel. The funny part is, I think this is my 'gift'. Kids really do like me and I find they are attracted to me. I hope that does not sound weird because I do not mean it other than they seem drawn to me. I teared up again at church thinking about this because if that is my 'gift' I am not sure how I am to be using this. I would like my own to use it on, but do no think that is what God has planned for me. So I am praying he will show me what I am to be using it for. It does hurt my heart but trying to remember to trust Him.